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Havin' Babies...
By Ninja R, 5-3-2004

Seriously, folks...havin' babies is hard work, I'm tellin' ya.

I awoke Saturday morning to Ninja J's constant muttering at the computer. "Ninja R," she said, "we're gonna have a baby today."

Concern whizzed through me in my semi-coherent state of sleepiness, of course. A day prior, I came home from work to hear she'd lost her "mucus plug." Of course, I asked if she took pictures of it...I've never seen a mucus plug before and the question came from my curiosity regarding stuff like that. Of course, she hadn't saved it OR taken any pictures. I know. You're disappointed.

Deerokus of Huge Internet Superstar forums fame says, "mucus plug is a delicious term"! Ladies, you can message the hottness that is DEEROKUS on AIM at DeerokusV2.

So yeah, there's a baby coming. I went back to sleep for most of the day, as I am wont to do on weekends. I woke up, we milled around for a while, and Ninja J and I went to the hospital after her contractions were close enough and too painful to do much. We would have went earlier, of course, but our doctor said to wait until then, so we did.

Yeah. So, Ninja J gets all hooked up to the monitors and stuff to see how things are coming along. In medical talk, I guess they were OK, but as far as the female ninja was concerned, she was in more pain than she'd ever been in throughout her life. I guess she wasn't dying and that's pretty good.

We switched rooms after her water broke. At the time, it wasn't funny, but it's damn funny now...Ninja J was yelling about how gross it was..."OMG THAT IS SOOOO GROSS"...I didn't want to look at it. Yuck.

So, we go into this other room now and about every minute or so, it sounds like Hell is coming to Earth. The classic quote of the night: "WHERE'S MY FUCKING EPIDURAL?!!!" Great stuff. It took the anesthesiologist an hour and a half to get there, which infuriated me. There's nothing quite like sitting there watching the ninja you've loved and trained with in the fetal position, curled up in pain, to bring tears to your eyes.

The anesthesiologist got there and inserted the epidural needle into Ninja J's back...and all...was...well. Holy crap. Night and day, I'm tellin' you. Ninja J was given a sedative about an hour earlier, but it sure wasn't helping much. The epidural was peace and tranquility. She became lucid and clear. The RNs checked her dilated cervix -- it was at +1, which means it was dilated to 11 centimeters. The cervix should be at 10 centimeters to give birth, which meant she was super dilated. They waited for a bit for her cervix to shrink a little, then the process began.

And it really went pretty quickly. Ninja J just followed directions and that's about all there was to it. Five pushes...and...TA DA! At 12:09 a.m, 2 May 2004, Ninja A was born!

And holy crap, what a little five pound, 14 ounce little turd she was. So...alien looking...an elongated head from manipulating her way through the vaginal opening...super red skin...fine, blond hair all over her tiny body...and a full head of hair.

Dear Mother, dear Father, what is this hell you have put me through? Metallica, "Dyer's Eve."

Holy crap! A ninja was born! I've seen another birth before, but I was much more consciously aware of things this time. I guess experience let me know what to look for and expect. And, after the birth comes the appropriately-named:

AFTERBIRTH! HURRAY! This is the placenta, which the doc graciously taught me all about. It really wasn't gross at all. Doc: "Here's where the placenta connects to the uterus..."

The rest was anticlimatic. I called a couple of people and let them know what happened. I noticed I was starving, Ninja J was ready for sleep, Ninja A was off in the nursery and I was on my own. I went out, got some food, switched from her car to my truck, and was back at the hospital.

Ninja A: "Bitch, you stick me with that, I stick your FACE."

The next morning, we actually got to look at the room instead of hollering and jumping around and cutting heads off anesthesiologists.

Not Spartan by any means.

There's the spectacular view from our window. Great. A fucking roof. Nice. DON'T GO TOO FAR OUTTA YOUR WAY TO LET SOME SUN IN!

In the meantime, mother and daughter had to get their kicks in. I amused myself with the terrible coffee from the vending machine downstairs and I bought some books. I had other crap to do too, but I don't really remember what I did. Maybe...got some...pants or something. And some boots.

CRAZY GO NUTS!

Father ninjas get their time in too, of course. Mom ninjas have to sleep, so while she did that, I read to Ninja A until she fell into a comfortable, peaceful slumber, ears and mind wrapped in the comforting strains of:

BILL O'REILLY. Yes, I'm well aware I look like a goon here.

And that's really about all we did. The next morning, we left the hospital, tired and detracted...yet feeling great all at the same time.

And the saga of Ninja A continues...

-- Ninja R