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Don't
Name Your Kid Stupid Stuff!
by Ninja R, 9-17-2003 |
| Why OH WHY do people insist on calling their unborn children REALLY stupid
names? I don’t mean stuff like "the baby" or "unwanted" or
"bastard"...I’m talking about their real names on their birth certificates.
"Who are YOU to be talking, Ninja R," you ask? Or, if you’re from the
ghetto, you’re asking, "WHO YOU BE TALKIN TO, NIGGA R???/><!`1!~"
Well, I have extensive experience in this matter. I have seen lots of little kids.
I have even seen many of them baby-and-infant-sized. Some of them have been on TV, but
many have also been in real life. Many have ALSO had REALLY STUPID NAMES. This makes me an
expert on the subject. And since I am a ninja, I can cut heads off without a second
thought.
I’m not talking about stuff that’s common sense. It will always go without
saying that if your last name is Hitler, you shouldn’t name your kid
"Adolf." The same goes with naming your kid "Lee Harvey" if your last
name is Oswald. And everyone knows those people with the last name of "Stapp"
should NEVER name their sons "Scott" if they don’t want their kid to grow
up a complete gay boy.
So...I thought I’d write a little something this evening on stupid frickin’
names. After all, parents who name their kids stupid stuff secretly hate their kids and
wish they’d never been born.
Rule #1: If you’re going to have a boy, don’t name
your kid something that will get his ass kicked every day of his life while he’s in
school. Soap opera actors and actresses are given names on their shows because it's on TV,
not real life. Those who deal in reality will never name their kid something that would be
heard on a soap opera. I have to ask Mom, "What the FUCK were you thinking,"
when I see names like Chase and Landon. Holy shit, if nothing in the world guarantees your
kid’s ass getting beat like your mother after an argument with her pimp, naming your
kid Damian, Caden, Stefan, Gage, and other crap names like that will. If you give a damn
about your kid, you won’t give it a name like that. I think that women (because no
self-respecting man would ever name his kid something like that) who name their kids
goofy-ass, soap opera names secretly lust after the actors on these shows...which
basically makes them child molestors. Please...if you don’t want to be a child
molestor by proxy, don’t name your kid something like that. Chad is also a name that
will guarantee an ass whippin’.
Rule #2: Don’t name your kid something that rhymes
with other words. If any of you out there have ever heard of the place Hobby Lobby, you
know how frickin’ stupid you sound when you say those two words together. The same
goes for rhyming names. "Shelly Belly," "Billy Willy," (or the
inverted form) and "Randy Candy" all rhyme. Your kids will be relentless
tormented in kindergarten and first grade. Think Columbine. Mental trauma is sure to
ensue.
Rule #3: I know different races and ethnicities have
traditional names for their kids. Even though they’re COMPLETELY STUPID,
UNPROUNOUNCABLE and NO ONE EVER SPELLS THEM CORRECTLY, I can still understand....but
c’mon, people. Naming your kid LaQueesha or Hectormunozrobertoalejandro isn’t
helping out the teacher whenever the kid’s in class and the teacher’s painfully
making her way through the morning roll call. Never EVER name your kid Jesus. I don’t
care if you’re Spanish or what, DON’T name your kid Jesus. It’ll guarantee
two things: he will grow up bred to wash dishes and he will grow up with people giving him
shit ALL THE TIME about being called Almighty Savior. Even adults will snicker every time
they see the name Jesus.
Rule #4: When the doctor tells you the gender of your kid,
don’t bitch. Don’t complain. And DON’T protest Nature’s decision to
give you a boy or girl by giving your boy A GIRL’S NAME. And vice versa...don’t
give your girl a boy’s name. I swear to God, I know guys named Tracy, Leslie,
Shannon, Ashley and Marion. Conversely, I know girls named Sam, Pat and Jesse. You all
know about Pat from Saturday Night Live, I’m sure. If you don’t, it’s a
person whose gender can’t be determined. That is WHY YOU DON’T NAME YOUR KID
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Your little boy will NOT GROW UP TO BE A SUPERSTAR NINJA with a name
like Tracy. Keep the names gender-specific unless you want your son moving out at age 15
to live with a large, 40-year-old man named Chester.
Rule #5: Don’t name your kid something completely
stupid. I know that goes without saying, but naming your kid after objects or actions like
Stormy, River, Snake, Jasper, Rain and other crap like that is just completely dumb.
I’m sorry, but your kid will not grow up to make billions of dollars and support you
after you retire if you name your kid Cloudy. And even if you don’t want to be
supported, just don’t name your kid that if you want to avoid years of therapy and
emotional damage. Also – don’t name your kid after a automobile. Yes, I know
people named Camry and Mercedes. THESE ARE STUPID NAMES, people. It’s like calling a
piece of crap "April Rain Glade Air Freshener." Naming your kid something
FABULOUS or GLAMOUROUS won’t make it anything other than a kid with a stupid ass
name.
And the last rule and most important rule...
Rule #6: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES NAME YOUR KID
NINJA. Unless he’s a ninja, of course. It’s also OK to name any of your children
"Ninja R." Especially if they’re mine.
It’s OK to name your kid after me because I’m TEH SEX, as
indicated in the picture above. Thank you for boobies, God. And thank you for
Smokey, who appears on the right.
That’s really about it. After you weed out all those goofy ass names, it only
leaves you with good, strong names. And no, just because your kid’s name can be
spelled 45987094587 different ways doesn’t make it any sort of cool. Example:
Laqueesha, Luhqueesha, Laquisha, Luhkweesha, etc., etc. Yes, you may live in the ghetto
now, but hopefully, your kid will NOT grow up to live in welfare housing; therefore, name
your kid something normal. I don’t care how ETHNIC you think you are.
And with all of that said, I’m sure some of you (no one) are wondering where I got
the idea for this story. Well...I’m in the same predicament myself – I have to
figure out a good name for a kid. Why? Because I’m having one, goofy ass. Yes, you
read that correctly. There will soon be a little Ninja R running around here cutting heads
off without a second thought. Jess and I are, as a priest would say, "with
child." Trust me, it was fun making it. Lots of fun. A BLAST. It was SEX-TASTIC.
Anyway, yeah, we’re having a kid and I couldn’t be happier about it (this
line is guaranteed to get me some poon). If there’s anyone in the world I’d want
to have a kid with, it’s her. And it won’t have a stupid name at all.
Well...that’s because it’s going to be a boy. The doc hasn’t said what it
is yet, but I know what it is. It’s going to be a baby. And it’s a boy. You can
start sending money and baby gifts now, please.
I just thank my lucky stars your mom isn’t pregnant with my kid. Hopefully.
-- Ninja R
Do you have a suck ass name or know
someone who does? Got a story about it? The ‘Hoo and I want to hear about it! Visit
the forums and talk about it! Or you could always just email me by clicking on my
name up there. |
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