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The Best of 2003!
by T2, 1-9-2004

When any year goes by, people do their annual self and world checks. They look at where they’ve been and where they’re going, how the world has changed, and what was done right the first time around. You can’t help but notice the mass of stories catering to this all-encompassing feeling we have trying to make sense of all the things that can, and do happen in a year. Constantly we’re bombarded with the "Best and Worst of 2003" on every press medium.
Not to be outdone, here’s the Hoodratz Best of 2003 list!

One of the greatest things to happen was the economy improving. Finally, we showed that bear market who was boss and started buying things! I actually enjoyed it this time around, Bush didn’t hand anyone bull and just calmly lower interest rates. He came right out and stated the obvious, and made it patriotic too!

"Go out and buy a new car and some jewelry…or the terrorists win!"

Seriously, I liked how he came straight out with it. It was a marvelous move, I think. Still, everyone chose to ignore that and didn’t buy anything, so naturally the economy went down the toilet. But we finally came to our senses and started buying things. What did we buy? I’m not exactly sure, but my guess is that there have been a lot of "bling" purchases in the recent months.

Thanks to all the youth who are throwing away their money strengthening our economy with their fancy cars, teeth, and clothes.

Another great thing that has been in an abundance in the past year is stupid people. Thanks to all of them, they make my jokes that easier to construct. Between the Kobe Bryant scandal, the SARS epidemic, and other oddball celebrity and otherwise screw-ups…my job as a humorist constantly gets easier. Most years we have thought over what to say, what to do before we speak or act. Not so! SARS killed 780 people in 2003. One year earlier, 17 times as many people had died from falling, and yet you didn’t see the Asian ballet girls wearing football gear. Hell, 83 times as many have died from car accidents, yet we had to lock down international commuters for the sake of those 780 heroes that died, so that we could live!

Those brave souls…

It’s always great when people do stupid things, we don’t have to make those mistakes ourselves, lets hope that 2004 paves the way for more insane newsworthy folk! Look, here’s the first one!

One of the cooler stories of the year was the fact that Arnold won Governor. C’mon..that rules. The thought that this guy is running one of the largest states in the country rocks all kinds of socks!

Can’t wait till his re-election campaign uses the Terminator quote.

Having Jesse Ventura as governor had to play a small role in helping pave the path for Arnold to take. Americans love movies, we love violence. Seeing as any wars in recent years have been massively criticized by many people...we turn to fictional wars. Either in the big screen as the Terminator, or on the small screen as a wrestler, Americans are willing to enjoy the leaders in their entertainment as leaders for the country. Why not? Saying "Arnold Schwarzenegger is my supreme Governor" is better than saying "Kim Il Jong wants to take over South Korea" When I see Jacques Chirac kicking bad guy ass, then I’ll agree on his policy on foreign relations!

As for a great year personally, turning 21 was one of the biggest highlights. Even though it only happened a month ago, I can now purchase liquor, handguns, and rent hotel rooms…LEGALLY! Don’t I sound like a mob peon? Aside from those obvious perks, it’s now time to look to the future, seriously considering whether or not to take this flaming shot of brandy…

How many years beyond 21 will I go? If that shot was any answer…not many.

And finally, perhaps the best event of the year.

Finally, they have some closure.

-- T2

I didn’t actually take that shot…we just used it as a candle!

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