These days, we’ve got nothing but mass-marketed crap out there. Turn on the local rock station? Staind is playing some shitty song that has four lines and a chorus every 20 seconds. No problem, right? You can just turn it to the local alternative station – except they’re playing Staind. Wait...alternative radio is supposed to be an ALTERNATIVE to everything else! Shit. No problem, there’s a last resort...you can turn it to the local pop station in the hopes they’ll play something that isn’t Jay-Z or some fucking stupid black guy saying every other word like THURRRRRR, HERRRRRRR and WHURRRRR. Turn the station....holy shit! It’s STAIND again! What the fuck...it’s on rock, alternative and pop stations. You could always turn it to your friendly local R&B/rap station if you want to lower you IQ 432750324975 points, of course, but that’s never an option for me.

I think the proliferation of rock boy bands is a result of slick marketing by record companies. In my mind, they understand the majority of people these days are extremely dumb and will swallow anything they see on TV if it looks good. Especially if it looks good.

However, rock bands these days aren’t really considered "boy bands," because boy bands were defined in the late ‘80s by groups like New Kids on the Block. NKOTB, as they were last known before Donnie Wahlberg went off to try his hand acting (and failing miserably like the lump of crap he is, only to wisely move back to music in an effort to fund his expansive child porn collection), was last seen screaming and writhing under Kurt Cobain’s shoes. At least Jon Bon Jovi was there to keep them company.

Anyway, I don’t see one damn reason why these groups shouldn’t be considered boy bands. After all, the same little bitchy 15-year-old girls who sit in Justin Timberlake’s tour bus waiting for him to finish up the concert have their CDs.

Actually, they’re worse than boy bands. They’re boy bands under the guise of legitimate rock bands and we should all be pissed as hell this stuff is being marketed to us at all.

So, in the spirit of Siskel and Ebert, I’ve decided to run down a few of these for you...you know, because I REALLY care about you and your consumer purchases. Actually, it’s probably the only way I can get a prod or two in at these "guys" to a lot of people at once. Or something.

One Carl Head: Not retarded, although retarded enough to be rated on the Retard Rating.

Extremely retarded. Not even understood by Corky from Life Goes On.

And with the explanation, let’s journey on into the boy bands of rock.

Members (from left to right): Guy Who’s Looking At A 15-Year-Old Girl’s Bra, one of the Backstreet Boys, a guy who wears stupid glasses to prove he’s different, a monkey, an ape, Cheech Marin

Songs of Particular Note: I Was A Teased Teen, Everyone Picks On Me, Daddy Beat Me, Adding Turntable Scratching And An Overtreblized Voice Makes Us Rap Rock

Message to youth: If you were ever made fun of in high school, it’s OK to be pissed about it for the rest of your life. After all, life begins and ends in high school and nothing is more important than a 16-year-old boy who likes to be depressed because someone called him names. Just join a band and whine about it to everyone else.

Quotable Lyrics:
"I’m one step closer to the edge and I’m about to break!"
"I won’t be ignored!"
"Shut up when I’m talking about you!"

Linkin Park’s lyrics are probably the best part of what they’re doing in their songs. Nothing makes me want to laugh harder than some skinny kid whining and crying that HE’S ABOUT TO BREAK. WAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA! I laugh every time I hear Chester on the radio bitching. OH SHIT I’M SCARED NOW! He’s about to BREAK! NO! Don’t piss THIS guy off because HE WON’T BE IGNORED!

Where They Are Now: These guys recently hooked up with Metallica (bad), Limp Bizkit (to be detailed later), The Deftones (worse) and Mudvayne to blanket us with a big, steaming pile of whiny poo. With a couple of albums out now and more than a gajillion records sold, I think they’re only on their way up...which really sucks because they suck.

Retard Rating:

Members (from left to right): A Guy With Fingers Growing From His Head, A Guy Wearing His Sunglasses At Night, Bitch Boy Extraordinaire Fred Durst, A Guy Blowing His Male Fans A Kiss, A Guy Trying Not To Vomit On Durst

Songs of Particular Note: I’m A Mad White Boy, My Bald Head, I Like Red Hats, Imma Do Things My Way!!!!, Get Up Get Up Uh Huh Come On, I’m Feelin’ Them Lighters, We Discovered Staind

Message to youth: Just like Linkin Park, if you were ever made fun of in high school, it’s OK to be pissed about it for the rest of your life. Freddy gets a little deeper though, and talks about nookie and how he does things his way and you should too. Or it’s the highway.

Quotable Lyrics: These are a little less funny. It’s been said that if you put a monkey in a room with a typewriter and let it type away for eternity, it would eventually type out masterpieces. A million monkeys injected with Ketamine and Drano could churn out better lyrics than the Durst monkey in a millionth of the time.

"I’ma do things MY way! It’s MY way! My way or the highway!"
"Keep rollin’, rollin’ rollin’, COME ON!"
"I’m like a chainsaw! Skin your ass raw!"

Ha ha ha ha...I can do this...watch:
"You better clean up YOUR room. It’s YOUR room! Or go to bed without dinner!"

Where They Are Now: Like Linkin Park, these guys also recently hooked up with Metallica (guh), The Deftones (poo crap) and Mudvayne. Fred Durst and the guys last released something about hot dog flavored water and starfish. Personally, I think Durst has an obsession with chocolate starfish...and that makes him as gay as two men having sex in a duffle bag. Durst is angry. He has loads of money and record label stuff. That’s definitely reason to be angry.

Retard Rating:

Members (from left to right): Who gives a fuck what these guys’ names are? They’re all blatantly Village People wannabes. Look at ‘em. They’re all naked. Look at the bitch in the middle (his name is Stapp). Doesn’t it look like he’s doing that move where he’s suppressing a stiffy? And where is his bovine pig-whore wife in this picture? Off on the side rooting around for more food? And look at the guy laying his head on Stapp, the Pig Fucker. He wants solace from Stapp, otherwise known as Jesus Christ. I’m sure the Stapp Whore gets jealous every time she and her husband lay in bed and sees this picture stapled on the ceiling.

Songs of Particular Note: The Song about God Except Not About God, Another Song about God Except Not About God, We Can’t Admit We’re Singing About Being Good Christians, If We Actually Said Christian In A Song We Would Be Stryper, Song About My Wife Or Son Or Some Kinda Shit

Message to youth: I am Jesus Christ although I’ll never admit it in a song. We are far too cool to pass judgment in this life. I will save judgment on you for the afterlife.

Quotable Lyrics: Who the hell KNOWS? The only thing I can understand this guy saying is something about "HEE ONLAY DEEFROOONCE ISSSS," "WI HAAAAARMS WOD OPAAAAN...HUUUUNDEEERR HE HUNLAAAAAA," and "CAAAAN HOOOOO TAKE MEEEEEE HAAAAAAR," while trying his goddamnedest to look like Jesus and sing like Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. I had a discussion about Creed once with someone about whether they’re Christian or not. She said, "They can’t be Christian. He says, ‘Don’t have to settle no goddamn score’ in one of his songs." I guess lack of grammar skills, coupled with menial blasphemy, means you’re not Christian. Of course.

Where They Are Now: Hopefully on the straight path to Hell. I’m sure CreedStapp has earned enough Jesus points to get into heaven, but the music is hellish, and I’m sure their eternal punishment will be having their own songs played at them for all of eternity. Stapp is probably in his own personal hell now...I heard he sits at his poolside putting his feet on top of the water and getting pissed as fuck when his foot sinks. Creed, I hate you.

Retard Rating:

Members (from left to right): Distracted Guy, A 12-Year-Old, A Guy Who Wants To Be Crazy But Doesn’t Know How, Fat Kid In School

Songs of Particular Note: Our Parents Drive Us To Our Concerts, I Like Cigarettes, PUNXX0R FASHUN IZ KEWL!, Girls Didn’t Like Us When We Didn’t Take Showers, Girls Don’t Like Cars Girls Like Cars And Money (Which We Have Since We Are Punk)

Message to youth: It’s the same as all the other little bitch boy "punker" bands out there. Remember Blink 182? Rich kids from Poway, California. Our boys here are no different except in name only. The spiky guy, Benji, has obviously never gone down on a girl. Chicks don’t dig spikes between their legs. I guess their message is that they don’t get laid, even if chicks scream OMG WTF U GUYZ R TOTALY HOTT I KANT BELEEV MUSHELF I WANT U BENJY!!!~!11@!2

Quotable Lyrics: I hate this band most of all. They suck suck suck suck suck. I suppose I think so because I grew up on a lot of the older punk stuff and these guys don’t cut it. They suck, flat out. Check out this originality:

"This is the anthem! Throw all your hands up!"
"Lifestyles of the rich and the famous! They’re always complainin’!"
"Girls don’t like boys! Girls like cars and money!"

Oh yes. Inspirational – for retarded kids injected with Ecstasy. In their catchy, Eminem-like "throw all your hands up" whine, they are "original" and "dope fresh" and "fucking stupid." Lifestyles of the rich and the famous...like....YOU GUYS? Oh. Right. Girls don’t like boys...girls like cars and money. They don’t like girls. They like spiky hairfests. There’s no goddamn difference between GC and N*Sync.

Where They Are Now: Hopefully touring some shithole like the seminal LA punk bands. I wonder what Ian MacKaye thinks about GC. Is it just me or does Benji from GC bear a striking resemblance to a creature we all know and love?

I think so.

Anyway...I just don’t understand how ANYONE who isn’t on hard drugs or injecting wood chips into their bloodstreams could call GC anything but a sick little pop band. Not even the ever-so-encompassing-but-highly-apologetic-term "pop punk." Check this out...who do you think puts out something more intense?

                           
Henry Rollins -- former singer of Black Flag            Joel Schmoe -- punk imitator

It should be noted that I am a huge Rollins Band and Black Flag fan.

Retard Rating:

And with that, our story has come to a close. For more about Good Charlotte fans, click here. Or here. Maybe even here. Definitely not here. This will link you to a short conversation I had in a Good Charlotte chatroom with two Good Charlotte fans.