Cartoon Criminals
by T2, 11-24-03

Looking on this past Thursday’s front page of K-State’s paper, I found this article about how a Riley County, Kansas Police Department raid of five different locales, arresting five people and seizing $25,000 worth of cocaine. One of the people arrested is none other than Charles Brown, who had also been arrested earlier in September over similar possession charges. This got me thinking: Is the entire world going downhill when beloved comic strip characters go bad? Charlie Brown, idol for at least hundreds, busted for attempted second-degree murder and intent to distribute coke? I was curious, so I dug a little deeper, and needless to say, I was shocked. Many of our favorites have been pushed over the edge for one reason or another, and their lives are in shambles due to the very personas that made them famous. Tragic ends have been met for some, and others just scarred horrendously. Read on to see what I found.

Housecat Arrested on Vandalism Charges

Garfield the cat was arrested on Monday following a rampage in which he vandalized the residence of Jon Smith.

"I just got tired of making him lasagna," Smith says, "and I told him to stick it."

Smith claims after declining his request to make him the Italian dish, Smith’s dog, Odie, licked Garfield and thus pushed him over the edge. "I should have seen this coming, all those carbs can make someone go crazy."

This chilling photograph was taken moments before his arrest.

Waldo, 36, missing and presumed dead

"We gave up looking for him years ago," said a spokesman for a local search team. "In the past, we’d scour the earth, but every time we’d find him, he’d take off again. Finally, we put his picture on a milk carton and said the hell with it."

Other reactions were mixed. "It was a case of sibling rivalry," said Carmen Sandiego, a half-sister. "Waldo tried to outdo me by hiding in shopping mall crowds and outdoor rock concerts. These had no educational value, so it’s no wonder people stopped caring."

A memorial service for Waldo will be held at 11 a.m. tomorrow at an unspecified location. Those wishing to attend will have to find it for themselves.

Soldier On Extended Leave, Goes AWOL

Beetle Bailey, 47, is AWOL, and authorities have yet to track him down. Last seen in a Thailand alleyway with two escorts in hand, he has been missing for approximately two weeks. "He’s always been kinda loopy, but at least he tried to be a good soldier," commented Sarge on Thursday. "I hope that he lifted up that cap to check if they were, in fact, women."

General Halftrack wasn’t as forgiving. " ‘Bout damn time, now we don’t have to deal with his stupid ass anymore," he eloquently claimed. "We’ve tried for years to drop him, he’s a lazy prick," he continued. "Saves us the trouble."

Miss Buxley was equally relieved. "You never saw it, but he was really perverted. I’m glad he’s gone. Now my ass won’t be grabbed hourly."

Anyone with information on his whereabouts is advised to contact their local Army base.

Man Arrested On Indecent Exposure Charges

A man known only as "Ziggy," 36, was arrested Tuesday for public lewdness and indecent exposure. "I see him out walking his dog every day," commented the arresting officer, "and every day he doesn’t have any pants on. I’m actually getting tired of arresting him; it’s too much paperwork."

Ziggy takes a morning walk with his dog on a regular basis, and just recently has been reprimanded for it. "We’ve always wanted to say something, but he’s just a nice guy, just has a few loose screws up top," a neighbor said.

Police have registered Ziggy as a sexual offender in hopes that his behavior will improve. "We’ve gotta do something, he’s not exactly a hot girl walking around naked," said local police officials.

Local Youth Detained For Instigating Riot

Huey Freeman, 11, was taken into custody Friday for helping start a riot in his school. Freeman, upset over his cafeteria running out of chocolate milk, proceeded to throw his food at the lunch lady in disdain over the shortage.
"I told him I was sorry, but he started screaming about how I was just putting the black man down," the food preparation engineer on site said. "Then I laughed and said he wasn’t a man yet, and I guess that just pushed him over the edge."

Freeman’s parents were contacted at their respective jobs about the matter. "That’s my boy!" commented Freeman’s father.

School authorities have yet to decide how to handle the matter. "What Huey did was wrong, but we don’t want to appear racist by punishing him for having pride," they said.

Other students have their own ideas. "I think he should just shut up. He’s always going on about oppression, yet he has more toys and a better house than I do," a local Croatian student said. "I’m more ethnic than he is! When’s the last time he did a tribal dance?"

Whatever the case, Freeman has an appointment with the superintendent slated for Monday. More details as they arrive.

Man Goes Berserk In Cubicle

Dilbert, 39, was killed on Wednesday by police following a 37-hour ordeal that left several co-workers dead and thousands of dollars worth of office equipment destroyed. "His tie would never stay down. I think it was one of many things that made him psychotic," an anonymous co-worker commented. "His dog talked to him, for Christ’s sake."
After an announcement over cuts in pay, Dilbert apparently pulled out an automatic rifle and began systematically ending people in and around his cubicle.

"I blame video games, no wait, movies…better yet television!" a hysterical parent of some random kid claims. "There are violent songs on the radio…and I saw a comic book, that probably did it."

Dilbert owns no video games, movies, televisions, radios, or comic books.

"I think the guy was just on crack or something. He’d show up to work in his ‘plane’ as he called it. The bastard drove a Ford Fiesta," his supervisor claimed.

After the heart-wrenching event was over, people were relieved…there was one less crazy walking around.

Pretty freaky, eh? Well, at least the Fox Family is still normal.

-- T2

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