(Editor's
note: I meant to post this
Christmas Day, but having
32459038475 people at my
house all day didn't really
create a great position for
posting. Anyway, this
was written a few years ago,
which is why some of the
information seems out of
date. Regardless, it's
one of those timeless
stories...everything in it
is still true today. I
think it'll always ring with
the same clarity.)
You know, sometimes there are just days when
you really see the clarity of a situation, leading you to learn
just a little more about your humanity and the humanity of
others.
I was driving to the Westin Crown Center in Kansas City, Mo.
this morning. The guy on the radio (whose name I won't mention
due to his fucked up attitude the last time I talked to him) was
talking about a new initiative being taken by the radio
station. Here's how it goes: you call or email the radio
station telling them one material gift and one spiritual gift.
Hopefully, they'll pick you to receive the gift. I guess they
were running last year's highlights, but there was a lady who
talked about how she had a 16-year-old daughter and how things
were just really tough for them, especially around the Christmas
season. It breaks my heart to hear about things like that
because I remember past Christmases where my moms wasn't able to
buy me things I wanted.
I remember feeling embarrassed at one family
Christmas gathering because my moms gave everyone things that
she had made and could afford. I think they were cross stitched
Christmas ornaments. I didn't know and still don't know what my
family members thought about that. I remember it being very
cold and that I was perpetually grounded to my room for making
less than a B in some middle-school class.
That year, I think I got some underwear and a
"Double Dare" LCD game. Remember Double Dare? I used to watch
it all the time in middle school. I think that maybe what was
in the package wasn't important, but that I got something in the
first place. Even as I think about it write now and remember
those cold mornings sitting in my room, grounded to the point of
only reading school books even over the Christmas break, it
makes my eyes warm with tears. I feel so bad for my moms
sometimes and about that period in my life. She struggled so
much for us and worked at slightly more than minimum wage.
I was "released" for the day during Christmas
that year. It's not as if I did much. I remember thinking
about stealing money from someone, then thinking the better of
it. My conscience didn't keep me from stealing money from my
family members, but only the thought of getting caught kept me
away from the money jar.
I wonder if the immediate family members were
disappointed in those Christmas ornaments. I remember walking
around acting like I didn't notice that those presents didn't
cost much, and even if they didn't, there was nothing wrong with
it.
I was positive that there, in fact, WAS
something wrong with it.
Thirteen years later, it still hurts to sit
here and think about it.
That winter wasn't very good at all. I
remember my moms being constantly upset over this guy she was
seeing, George. Bearded guy, about six feet tall, I guess. As
a 13 year old, I thought it would destroy my world if my moms
slept with this guy. As a 26 year old, I know it would've
destroyed hers if she didn't.
Oh yeah, Christmas ornaments. I think to
myself that there was nothing wrong with those Christmas
ornaments; not one goddamn thing. Maybe I knew that everyone
else would be getting great stuff (my family members were pretty
well off) and we were giving things that would only distinguish
themselves by being cheap and little.
These little ornaments, lovingly made by my
moms and given out of love and thanks, have caused me more
distress than I care to think. I'm 26 years old and this was
half a life ago. I have been married, divorced and been through
the wringer. I've experienced 13 more Christmases. I have
turned from materialism to minimalism. Those ornaments are still
the proverbial thorn in my side...and I end up wishing nothing
but the best for my moms sometimes. They make me weak and I
desperately wish I could help my moms.
I feel like I'm 13 again.
I really wish I could do something to help
someone out. I give to charity regularly and do what I can to
the best of my knowledge. I think this Christmas, I will try to
just be a better person above all. Most people think that I'm a
bitter guy and that I hold nothing but spite for anything else
that I'm not interested in.
That's not true at all. I'm very happy with
the things I do and I really wish people would realize that. I
have a good life.
The woman on the radio show earlier? She
wished for - and got - a piano. We should all be so lucky.
-Ninja
R |
