So, I figured, what the hell, I must have Outspoken Prick Disorder…or OPD, as it’s known, because it’s just far too hard to give something a simple name like saying, "That guy is a dick, man." NO, we have to give it a name and go along with the current trend in acronyms.

Like I said earlier, there are many people with such disorders…it makes a person wonder how the hell America ever became a superpower, fought and won many wars, defeated the Soviet Union without a shot being fired, etc., etc. These disorders couldn’t have just erupted from nowhere. More often than not, they’re called a disease AND a disorder. This allows a lack of personal responsibility to be "medically treated." Don’t listen to just as many experts who say the exact opposite – that lack of maturity cannot be treated with a drug – we must always feel good about ourselves…and when we don’t feel good about ourselves, there’s a drug out there that will MAKE us feel good.

So, with so many people claiming they have mental disorders, I wondered which one I have. I mean, it’s not as if someone didn’t invent all sorts of strange drugs and $200-an-hour psychiatrist bills when these problems could be attributed to a lack of personal responsibility, could it? Drug companies and greedy docs couldn’t have cooked up excuses for every man, woman and child in order to make even more money than they already have, could they? Of course not. In fact, you or your child can become the robot everyone else would like you to be to keep your from your life.

Let’s do a rundown of common mental disorders these days and figure out which one I have. It’ll be fun. Hello, how do you do, c’mon in, have a seat, please. That’s right, sit right on down in this here chair and let’s cry and hug for our souls and crap like that.  A "check" next to something means I have it.   Or maybe not.  Who the hell knows...

Treatment:
Methylphenidate (Ritalin)
Mixed salts of a single-entity amphetamine product (Adderall)
Dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine, Dextrostat)

You can also buy THIS BOOK to soothe your fragile problem with having the same suckass problems as everyone else BEING SO DIFFERENT:

Phoebe Flower's Adventure: That's What Kids Are For
The first in a series of delightful books for kids with ADD, your ADD child will love Phoebe and her best friend, Robbie, and will groan with Phoebe as she endures remarks from her "perfect" older sister.

That’s right, folks. You’ll love Phoebe and groan about her sister. Or, you’ll just think the book sucks and have a citywide book burning. Your choice. AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE AMERICA!

Anyway, this disorder is my personal favorite, because as a fourth-grade kid, I was told I was "hyperactive," which somehow morphed into this curious, three-word disorder. The results? DEVASTATING. I’m a smart, responsible, successful 28-year-old. With near-illiterate idols like rap star 50 Cent and sports figures being hailed as "heroes," my personal success is FAILURE INDEED.

Now, let’s think for a second…this may be a stretch for some of you out there, but go ahead and try to think…WHAT KID ISN’T HYPERACTIVE? Holy SHIT! Just about every kid I know acts like a kid. It’s called "being a kid." Kids are hyperactive. They run around and tear shit up and cry and a whole shitload of other stuff. Henry Rollins wrote, "Kids are like sharks. I like sharks, but I don’t want a bunch of them around." For good reason, too – they’re nuts. It takes patience to deal with them.

All we need is just a little patience.

Go figure. Says me, ADD is a disorder cooked up because of the inability of elementary school teachers to be an adult around little kids. That’s right, I don’t think many teachers can hack kids…and for good reason, too. You actually have to LIKE kids and LIKE teaching to be a good teacher. Other normal people with such medical experience as "catching a cold" and "being sick" will often pass off judgment on others who they deem to have such a disease. Someone runs around like a little bastard? Someone screams, OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ADD YOU NEED DRUGS AND COUNSELING!" Great, yeah, fine, whatever.

When you hear adults say they have ADD, go right ahead and wave the bullshit flag ALL UP IN THEIR face. Or don’t. It’s fine either way. I’m sure some of you reading this right now are all like, HEY GODDAMMIT I HAVE ADD, while doing the headspin like that guy from Electric Boogaloo. Sure you do. It’s OK. There are drugs out there to make you or your child feel better about the truth what I wrote. The important question here:

Do I have ADD?
I say yes…and since I say yes, that’s what goes.

The Symptoms:
These are Official Symptoms of ADHD (or OSADHD)
- Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair. Check!
- Has difficulty remaining seated. Check!
- Runs about or climbs excessively. Check!
- Difficulty engaging in activities quietly. Check!
- Acts as if driven by a motor. Check!
- Talks excessively. Check!
- Blurts out answers before questions have been completed. Check!
- Difficulty waiting or taking turns. Check!
- Interrupts or intrudes upon others. Check!
- Commonly responds to all comments or questions with various assortments of LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, LMMFAO, ROFL, ROF, OMG or WTF. OK, so I made that one up too.

Treatment:
Adderall - Combination of amphetamine salts, believed to be longer-acting than regular methylphenidate.
Concerta - methylphenidate
Cylertpemoline - this medication has been associated with acute liver problems, and the manufacturers are now telling physicians to discuss the risks and obtain patient consent before prescribing.
Dexadrine - Decreases distractibility, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. Now available in long-acting spanules!
Ritalin - Oldest available medication for ADHD. Still considered the "first choice" by many physicians, if only because they are want money from rich parents who cannot watch their children.

Holy crap, there were so many medications given (including many from the anti-depressant family…I thought they were supposed to be hyper, not depressed?), I didn’t want to list them all…I’m sure you’re bored enough already and I’d like to get this written. Bottom line:

Do I Have ADHD?
Again, I say yes. I want your sympathy. Cry for me, please. And send me your money. I need it more than you do.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is perhaps one of the oldest known illnesses. Research reveals some mention of the symptoms in early medical records. It was first noticed as far back as Genghis Khan, when he and his early ninjas pillaged and plundered the known world. Khan was a straight up pimp and had more money than that whore, Celine Dion. When he would get pushed back, Khan would become "depressed." This repeated cycle of mania and depression was called "life" back then though. Now, life has become a disorder to be medicated against.

Granted, this is a valid disorder more than a few people have. However, I was recently informed by a couple of people there are TWO…count ‘em, TWO…types of this disorder. In the typical type, episodes of mania extend over months or years, followed by fits of depression over similar amounts of time.

The other type, which we’ll call "Type B," is a type when people have good days and bad days, therefore, creating what scientists, after 100 years of research, have termed a "mood." With "moods," people are subject to "mood changes," and get angry and happy with the natural flow of life. This disorder was also termed by a group of 18-year-old AOLer girls who have no knowledge of psychological medicine or treatment except what their mommies and daddies tell them. Consequently, when a person talks to another person not a specific, expected mood, this person is "bipolar." This is also frequently witnessed when two people disagree on certain matters. The first person to call the other "bipolar" is the winner of the disagreement. It is a valid, suitable tactic in all debate measures (ask any Democrat).

Symptoms:
Separation Anxiety Check!
Rages & Explosive Temper Tantrums (lasting up to several hours) Check!
Marked Irritability Check!
Oppositional Behavior Check!
Frequent Mood Swings Check!
Distractibility Check!
Hyperactivity Check!
Impulsivity Check!
Restlessness/ Fidgetiness Check!
Silliness, Goofiness, Giddiness Check!
Racing Thoughts Check!
Aggressive Behavior Check!
Grandiosity Check!
Carbohydrate Cravings Check!
Risk-Taking Behaviors Check!
Depressed Mood Check!
Lethargy Check!
Low Self-Esteem Check!
Difficulty Getting Up in the Morning Check!
Social Anxiety Check!
Oversensitivity to Emotional or Environmental Triggers Check!

Now…please tell me…WHO DOESN’T HAVE THESE FRICKIN’ REACTIONS??? I’ll except (no, not accept) rage and tantrums for older people, but other than that? Everyone goes through periods such as this. EVERYONE.

And as for the group of AOLer girls who first started calling people bipolar…well, they’re off with their own kids now, I’m sure…last I heard, they were driving their screaming kids to soccer practice while stopping off at the local Starbucks to grab some coffee and cursing the day they decided to like boys.

Do I have some kind of bipolar disorder?
Yes. Ask any female I’ve ever pissed off, including, but not limited to your mother.

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior

As written above, I do think this is a very valid disorder. HOWEVER, it’s not a "disorder" for people who merely like a clean house and clean car…in short, people who are neat freaks. Myself, I couldn’t give a crap less if my house is super clean. Neat is fine with me. "Neat" is subjective, I know, but there’s a world of difference between ensuring the stuff on my coffee table is somewhat organized versus going into conniptions over a slice of bacon that hasn’t been triple-wrapped, taped with a 1-inch piece of tape and has a special compartment in the freezer.

Symptoms:
- preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. Check!
- shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion. Check!
- is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships. Check!
- is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values. Check!
- is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value. Check!
- is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things. Check!
- adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes. Check!
- shows rigidity and stubbornness. Check!

Gimme a break. I’m sure many people have things they don’t want to throw out, are inflexible in their thinking or show stubbornness. This is such a load of crap, I’m just gonna say I have it to wrap this damn thing up.

And, in closing, I guess I should say that I’m an ADD, ADHD, bipolar, obsessive compulsive freak. I don’t mind so much. There are loads of prescription drugs out there for my ailments.

Of course, it could be the fact I drink too much coffee.