Yeah, so anyway, I bought this DVD and, true to my rock roots, I felt guilty for shelling out money for the movie. Such guilt shamed me into buying the Beastie Boys anthology (true now to my white boy roots) and the new Audioslave CD. Both really great CDs…if you ever see ‘em, pick ‘em up. So, I went home shrouded in shame and checked the movie out. It was, of course, as great as I remembered.

So great, in fact, that I got a hold of Mr. Mathers (no, not Jerry) to remaster the damn thing (no, not really). After he laughed (no, he didn’t laugh) and sent D-12 to beat the hell outta me (no, he didn’t send anyone after me), I decided to write it on my own. What follows is my version of the story.

I've been wanting to write this story for a while now.  It's a little long.

Besides being a ninja, I’m also a real dope rapper! The dopest! The thuggishest! That’s so fresh! OK, I’ll stop now.

(fade in from rap music blasting to Eminem slumped over a sink as Mekhi speaks)

Mekhi: C’mon, yo. You gots to be puttin’ 3 and a third on da map, yo.

Eminem: I really wish you’d stop talking like a black guy.

Mekhi: But I am black, yo.

Eminem: I think I am too, but my accent is different. I talk through my nose and hangout with Brittany Murphy. You look black, but you act just like a white guy.

Mehki: Who’s Brittany Murphy?

Eminem: (looks at hands) I see black.

It's OK, Eminem.  You ARE dope!

Mekhi: I’m black, trust me. You can call me urban though. Just get out there and kick this shit. Word to your mother, yo.

Eminem Hey, quit acting like Vanilla Ice, I’m the white rapper in this story, not you.

Mekhi: Oh yeah, my bad, yo.

Mekhi: (to himself) OK, gotta get in the urban frame of mind. Speak like a retarded kid snorting Drano. (to crowd) OK, here we go, we gone spin dat shit and jump around. Y’all gots 45 seconds to battle it out. DJ, spin that shit, yo!

Some Guy:     White boy standin’ raw, jaws all on da floor, lookin’ around like a fuckin’ whore, Elvis, take dat shit back across 8 Mile!

Crowd: Hurray!

Mekhi: Word word, that was pretty dope. Now y’all needs to be seein’ what my man O. Possum be hangin’, yo.

Crowd: WE HATE WHITE RAPPERS!

Mekhi: (to himself) The only thing he’s hangin’ is from deez nuts. Ha ha ha, nuts. (to crowd) Aw, y’all, c’mown…O. Possum here is a muthafuckin’ genius, I’m tellin’ ya. He hits the trees harder than Sonny Bono. DJ, spin dat shit, yo.

Eminem: (stares blankly) Uhh…umm…

Mekhi: C’mown, dogg, yo!

Eminem: It’s TRICKY, to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme, that’s right, on time, it’s TRICKY! Wicka wicka wicka.

Mekhi: Corny ass white boy, yo.

Eminem: My name is DMC, the all-time great! I bust the most rhymes in New York state!

Man in crowd: Hey, we live in Michigan, fag.

Eminem: O. Possum’ll make ya…jump jump! Possum O.’ll make ya…jump jump!

Man in crowd: O. Possum NEED to jump his bitch ass off stage. This sucks.

Crowd: Boo.

Mekhi: Tough break, dog, yo.

Eminem: My girlfriend and I broke up too.

Stupid White Guy: Man, that sucks. First, your girlfriend breaks up with you, then you lose a battle. I can’t think of anything worse that could happen unless someone you go live with your mom in a trailer park and someone fucks your new girlfriend in a radio studio.

Guy from The Fatboys: Better luck next time.

Malcolm Z:  Shit, what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? The WHITE man gots nothin’ BUT luck.

Eminem: Yeah, I know. Let’s do the secret handshake so I can leave to go my mom’s house.

Kim Basinger: What’s the matter, Possum?

Eminem: Goddammit, moms, here I am, rapping about how much I hate fags all day long and here you are dykin’ out with some girl.

KB: If you’re gone stay here, you gone have to get along with Greg.

Eminem: Her name is Greg?

KB: Yep. It’s short for Gregg.

Eminem: OK. Well, before I meet Brittany Murphy and screw her in a secluded area of the factory where I work while she looks like a vegetative heroin addict during the act, I just wanted to know if I could stay in your trailer for a couple of weeks.

KB: Well, OK, but…

Eminem: But nothing, moms. Oh yeah, and I want your car too.

Greg: (steps outside and throws a beer bottle) You goddamn little ingrate! Ain’t you ever heard of knockin’? I didn’t even get my turn to ride the strap on!

Eminem: Fuck you, fag. Just because I did a song with Elton John doesn’t mean I like the shit. I’m a dope fresh rapper, I listen to Snoopy Dogg Dog, and I’ll pop a cap in your ass like it ain’t no thang.

KB: Possum, quit acting like an idiot. You’re a skinny white boy. Now go sing to your little sister and put her ass to bed.

Greg: Yeah.

Eminem: (walks into the trailer) Bitch been mistreatin’ me since I was stealin’ pills from under her mattress.

Eminem: C’mon, brat. I gotta sing to you because Moms doesn’t know how to put you to sleep.

(singing)

Mom always puts you off on me… because she’s a…c-u-n-t… if she wasn’t givin’ her money to a he-she… you wouldn’t be in this stinky trailer with me… Vanilla Ice said stop, collaborate and listen… but all I end up doin’ here is bitchin’…so when I feel blue… I look at you… and I just say…FUCK IT.

Hailey: Daddy good singer.

Eminem: I’m not your dad. I’m your brother. Go to sleep.

(Eminem steals his mom’s car keys only to find the hunk of crap doesn’t work. Kicks the wheel.)

Eminem: OMFG.

Blink: (from the distance) What up, O?!

Eminem: Yo, my moms’ car won’t start. Gimme a ride?

Blink:  You know me, I’d give you a ride, but I can’t be seen ridin’ around with a white boy. Sheeeeeit, foo’, all the record labels I work for would throw me out on my ass.

Eminem: But you work for Linkin Park.

Blink:  I know, I know, but it’s all about IMAGE! I can’t just LOOK black, I have to BE black, know what I’m sayin’? Say man, lemme hold one o’ them squares you got.

Eminem: You know I don’t smoke and now I’m late for work. I gotta take the bus to work.

(walking)

Blink:   Now see, when I gets you on my label, it’ll be bitches and benjamins.

Eminem: Fuck that, Blink…I don’t wanna be associated with Linkin Park.

Blink:   Now you KNOW that I got those niggaz hooked up with the boys they wit’! Just because you’ll have to do the rap/rock THANG for a while don’t mean it ain’t you pickin’ up them ends. Them white boys just think they know somethin’ about us.

Eminem: Hello?? I’m white, jackass. White boy? Are you being racist again?

Blink: It ain’t the same, nigga. White boy is for white people.

Eminem: I’m white, remember? I just said that two seconds ago. And now you call me "nigga." You ARE racist.

Blink: Damn, white boy, stop bein’ all uptight and shit. Ain’t shit racist about callin’ folks white boy and nigga. Anyway, I got a deal hooked up with getting some of my niggaz on KSUX later on this week. I want you with me because you’re a real dope rapper and you can show him what you do.

Eminem: Really?

Blink: No, I just want to fuck your future girlfriend later in the movie.

Eminem: Oh. LMAO.

Blink:        You down fo’ whatever?

Eminem: Yeah, whatever. There’s the bus.

Blink:        Remember, O…you better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to flow, ‘cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

Eminem: That’s really fucking deep, Blink…like Britney Spears. I’ll have to remember that. Word out.

Later at work…

Bossman: Mathers! You were late for work.

Eminem:   I know. My car wouldn’t start. It won’t happen again.

Bossman: OK.

Brittany Murphy: Hi, I’m looking for my brother, but not only do I look like a heroin addict in this movie, I play a whore, so I can’t remember how to find him.

Eminem: Hot DAMN, bitch…you lookin’ GOOD AS HELL with that booty out there…all proud and shit…it’s talkin’ to me!

Bossman: I don’t think so, Mathers. You’ll get a chance to fuck her later in a secluded area of the factory, but I’ve got her this time around.

The next morning…despite rappers being dumber than rocks, they are also car experts. Eminem fiddles with various wires and clanks an end wrench around.

Eminem: Yo, Blink said he’s gonna get me on KSUX this week.

Mekhi: Blink talks a lot of wack shit. He ain’t gonna do nothin’ for you. That shit is wack. Three and a third is THA REAL, YO!!!~1

Eminem: Yeah, I know, but fuck man, I’m living with my mom and you know rappers can’t make it without shiny stage props in their videos.

(sounds of Greg singing from the trailer drift out)

Mekhi: What the fuck is that, yo?

Eminem: Oh, that’s the dyke my moms is with this week. They met at the VFW bingo.

Greg: Sweet home Alabama…

Eminem: Bust it, I’m O. Possum, her name’s Greg Buell…me, you and her, we couldn’t even graduate from school. I live at home in a trailer…I guess that makes me trailer trash…’cause I live at home in a trailer…but the rest of you can all kiss my ass…

Mekhi: Word, bust it, yo.

Eminem: Turn it on…give it some gas…

(Car starts somehow)

Mekhi: Ha HAA! You a genius, yo.

Eminem: All I really did was juggle some wires.

Mekhi: Yeah, great. Next, you can juggle DEEZ NUTS, yo.

Eminem: I guess that means we’re going to Kontiki tonight, where I’ll spend money I don’t have driving you broke ass fuckers around.

Mekhi: You damn right, yo.

(Later on the way to Kontiki with Three One Third)

Eminem: Hey, check it out. There’s a bunch of people we don’t know standing in a circle. I think it’d make a great impression among our fellow Detroiters if we went over there and freestyled.

Fatboys Guy: Sounds like a good idea to me. Freestylin’ rocks your socks off. I hope y’all remember what we practiced in my mom’s basement.

Mekhi: OK, here goes. Cracker Bob, you sit off to the side and wait to make stupid comments that’ll get our asses kicked or killed, yo.

Cracker Bob: Why do I always have to sit out?

Mekhi: OK, kick me out a beat, Malcolm Z. (incessant beat box goes on) Movie’s showin’ so you’re goin’, couldn’t care less about the five you’re blowin’…

Crowd: OOO!

Mekhi: You run over there without a second to lose, now what comes next? Yo, bust a move, yo.

Cracker Bob: You want it…you got it…you want it, baby, you got it.

Crowd: AHHH!

Mekhi: Kick it, O. Possum, yo!

Eminem: OK…yo, speed it up a little. Yo…yo…your style’s generic…mine’s authentic made…I cut like a renegade…umm…three one third…umm…BASS! How low can you go…Death Row…what a brother knows…once again, black is the incredible…prime animal…

Fatboy: ‘Cause MAMA said knock you out!

Crowd: UH!

Fatboy: I’M gonna knock you out!

Crowd: UH!

(In the background, rival hip-hop group Leadaz of tha Free World drive up.)

Side note: those of you who have the DVD – turn on the movie, turn on the closed captioning and wait for someone to say something about Leadaz of tha Free World. That’s exactly how the movie writers spelled the group’s name. Scary. Or…SKURRY? In no way was this intended to imply you’re an idiot…we already know you are. On the contrary, its intent was to demonstrate that I didn’t make up the spelling and that I’m no hip-hop aficionado. Or maybe I am. KTHX

Tune in SOON for the continuing saga of O. Possum and his boys.  Repruhsent!