Main Entry: he·ro
Pronunciation: 'hir-(")O, 'hE-(")rO
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural heroes
Etymology: Latin heros, from Greek hErOs
Date: 14th century
1 a : a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability b : an illustrious warrior c : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities d : one that shows great courage
2 a : the principal male character in a literary or dramatic work b : the central figure in an event, period, or movement
3 : plural usually heros : SUBMARINE 2
4 : an object of extreme admiration and devotion : IDOL

I'm not sure if anyone besides me has noticed, but within the past few years, there has risen what I've started calling a "culture of heroes."  The great Living Colour rocked asses off around the world while singing about it (sorta) in their popular song "Cult of Personality."  If you've never heard the song, I urge you to DL the song NOW.  OK, maybe not now...you're reading this post...but when you're done reading this, get on your music download prog of choice and get the song.  Corey Glover rocks.

Anyway...so we have a culture of heroes lately.  It seems everyone's a hero these days...from Jessica Lynch, the Army soldier who earned the Bronze Star for getting in a crash and passing out in Iraq...to famed basketball player Kobe Bryant, currently on trial for rape.  It's gotten a lot worse over the past couple of years and I don't know how many times I've seen cops and firemen being called "heroes."  Yes, we acknowledge their jobs are difficult and dangerous at times (especially while filling out paperwork)...I guess this makes them heroes.

Yet....while displaying such heroes in the media throughout our culture, we often forget the REAL heroes out there.  So...I've taken up the duty of publicizing these unsung heroes...HERE AND NOW.  Follow along, kiddies...and thank these people wherever you see them.

The Construction Worker

Here, we see a brand spankin' new construction worker holding up the digit he'd most like to lose this week.

Yes, the lowly construction worker is a hero.  Think about it...these guys place your comfort and well being ahead of their own (never mind the overtime and union benefits they'll get).  They build things FOR YOU.  Never mind that I've had to extend a five-mile trip to work into an excruciating 20 minutes in traffic because a road near my house has been under construction for over a year...20 minutes is NOTHING compared to the sacrifices these guys take. 

Cars whiz by these guys...things fall from the tops of high-rise buildings they construct...and every day, they face such extreme dangers like: falling from heights such as 93487593847539478 feet, stapling or nailing hands and feet, utility knives SLASHING AND CUTTING FINGERS, stuff dropping on their feet -- the list goes on and on.   Such hazards are unbearable (especially with workers compensation in effect) to think of by regular citizens of this wonderful country...and those occupational hazards were related to me by someone close to the construction industry...her dad is a roofer.

And c'mon...do any of you have the balls to do this for a living?

OHSA is pissing their Communist pants over this picture, I'm sure.

Look at the guy...and toss aside the thought he looks like he's masturbating from a beam way up in the air...I mean, I'd do it too...it's like spitting off the tops of buildings...just something you gotta do...but other than that, he's pretty high up there.  And.....well, he's up in the air.  That makes him a REAL AMERICAN HERO.

Two miles to your destination?  That will be $65.69.  Thank you, drive through.

Cab drivers are among the bravest of all men these days.  They go where many men FEAR TO TREAD.  Yes, that's right...they mostly brave airport traffic, pick up some hapless person who couldn't get someone to pick him or her up, charge him out the ass to sit in a vinyl-covered seat while whizzing to the passenger's destination...and bores him with obnoxious talk the whole way.  Many cab drivers are STRAPPED, yo...but that's because lots of people rob cab drivers.  They have recently taken to depositing their money and/or displaying anti-theft signs which read "Driver only carries $20."  When small amounts of heroin sell for less than $20...or when the theft of several cab drivers racks up enough for a large amount of drugs or whatever else the thief wishes to use the money for, I'm not sure the sign works.

But that's all beside the point.  These guys get you TO AND FRO your destinations.  You should respect them every bit as much as...say...Audie Murphy, the most decorated man in US military history.  You should give them more money too.

Of course, everyone worships this taxi driver:

"You talkin' to me?  I don't see anyone else around...so you must be talkin' to me."  Robert DeNiro, people.  REKANIZE!  In the phenomenal movie "Taxi Driver," he plays a...well...taxi driver.  If you haven't seen it...go rent it.  It's great.  The above quote, often used in other gangster movies (not GANGSTA movies with Tupac and Snoopy Dogg Dogg), first appeared in this movie.

And if you don't like Mr. DeNiro, you should, you goddamn hippy bastard.   Either way, cab drivers are REAL AMERICAN HEROS.

The Meat Butcher

Two meat guys show off the latest slaughterhouse techniques.  These guys are proof positive there's more than one way to skin a cat.

A friend of mine I've called "Dog" for many, many years used to be a butcher.  The horrendous stories and hazardous work conditions were APPALLING, to say the least.  The risk of slicing fingers...working with blood and meat...an errant chicken claw and a butcher in the wrong place at the wrong time...it makes me truly gasp.  These guys are under more pressure than we realize.  Many butchers slice those tasty meat cuts in your sandwiches...but did you stop to think they could be sacrificing slices of their THUMBS IN THE PROCESS?  NO, YOU DIDN'T! 

Two butchers haggle over which slice of monkey steak is better.

Needless to say, these guys risk life and limb to give us those choice pork chops, hamhocks, tripe, and other delectable, tasty treats.  They are REAL AMERICAN HEROES.

Sports Figures

For many years, athletes such as the gay man above have put their lives on the limb -- for our enjoyment.

We have our sports heroes.  These guys are just phenomenal.   Now, I understand that players like Kobe Bryant, "Magic" Johnson, Wilt Chamberlain and Mike Tyson are already celebrated heroes in America...that's beside the point.  The gay man above -- ask yourself what his name is.  Hell, I don't even know...and that's precisely my point.  No one knows this hero among men. 

Sports figures play against other sports figures.  Go figure.  I used figure three times in two sentences!  Anyway, you should never think about the load of money in their pockets.  NO!  You should think about what they DO FOR PEOPLE!  Leave out the rapes, spousal abuse, drug use and distribution, DUIs and other various things some sports players do.  Yes, these guys play sports for money.   YOUR money, I should say.

Aww...look at the poor guy.

Yes, like the player pictured above, they are in a hazardous occupation.   This, of course, makes them heros...so please...at the next sporting event you attend...whether it's professional football, little league baseball or junior bowling, please thank all  people who participate in: bowling, golf, soccer, football, rugby, pool, car racing, tennis, curling, hockey, baseball, figure skating, RPG gaming, polo, cheerleading, swimming of all sorts, track and field events, ballroom dancing, roller blading, skateboarding, martial arts (AND ALL NINJAS), diving, tumbling, lacrosse, korfball, paddleball, boxing, bull fighting, bobsledding, skiing, snowboarding, cricket, Jai-Alai, and the many other sports one can participate in -- these people are REAL AMERICAN HEROES.

Talk Show Hosts

Two detestable bitches are in this picture.  I'll let you guess which is a host.

Talk show hosts are among the most unsung heroes in America's hero culture.  Sure, they have their own TV shows...but that doesn't make someone a hero, no.  What makes a hero is the COURAGE and POISE they possess.

Open mouth, insert cock.

Ms. Winfrey, as pictured above, once she learned to stand upright (all that weight had her wobbly for a while), had some great poise.  And the tasteful way she promotes preferential treatment among society is heroic enough!

I'd use the "open mouth, insert cock" joke again, but Ms. (?) O'Donnell is a "lesbian."

Yes, many talk show hosts such as Oprah, Rosie and Mr. Donahue consistently push beliefs which undermine American society...and indeed, American security...and for this, they are to be COMMENDED!  People, a moment of silence, please....for these REAL AMERICAN HEROES!

OK, now that the moment of silence is over, I'd just like to remind you to thank everyone in America for being a hero.  Everyone's a hero these days...so please, find the closest phone book or visit www.whitepages.com, look up anyone in the book, and thank them for being them.  Chances are, they haven't been thanked.

We're aware we left many people out of this column...so please, if there are any unsung heroes out there we didn't list, write us or go talk about it in the forums.