The 'Hoo:
A Force To Be Reckoned With.

Bonafide pimp. Circa 1995.

Name: Van 'Hoo I ... but you may call me The 'Hoo.

Age: Twenty-something.

Home of Record: The mean streets of Gladstone. G-town, foo'! Recka-nize.

Favorite Pastimes: Rock music and concert-going. Cartoons. The Sopranos. Complaining about things that are mediocre and below. Member of the Future Curmudgeons of America.

Likes: Long walks on the beach, poetry, sunsets ... um ... no, wait! ... don't put that on the site! ... I meant death and destruction, the macabre, and gangsta rap.

Dislikes: Long walks on the beach, poetry, sunsets.

1. Scenario: It's 4 a.m. and you're starving. Your kitchen holds a can of green beans, a pack of ramen noodles and three mustard packets. Would you hunt for food outside or commence making the most horrid casserole in existence?

Well, green beans are the worst food on the planet due to the simple fact that they are green ... and beans, mustard in packet form tends to be crusty, and I swore off Ramen noodles years ago. 12 Step program. I told you I could stop at any time, mutha fucka! Can there be a can of Easy Cheese, some olives, and Ham 'N' Cheese HotPockets in this scenario?

2. Name the defining moment of your life.

The fateful day that mild mannered Daniel C. Smith became the king of aloof and indifference ... the mysterious being known as The 'Hoo. That or the day I discovered myself while looking at a poster of Susanna Hoffs of the '80s group, the Bangles. Tough call.

3. Why is it OK to burn music from the Internet to CD?

The 'Hoo is 110% against pirating music from the Internet. I do not not condone downloading music or burning CDs in any way, shape, or form. Unless you have a good reason to rationalize it, of course ... then it is A-OK.

4. When pondering over difficult questions, do you stroke your chin as if to test for beard stubble, cast a furtive glance skyward and take a drag from your pipe before speaking?

Well, I am an unpredictable entity, so I prefer emphatic gestures. Well placed and unexpected arm and hand movements that throw your opponents and friends off guard. An exaggerated fist pump, an exclamatory finger thrust as if to say "A-Ha!" or "egads!", or a swift and intriguing eyebrow raise. Or ... I just stand there with my mouth agape, puddle of drool at my feet. Depends on my mood and what day it is.

5. Harley Davidsons - overpriced noisemaker or badddddd mosheen?

By rule, I despise five things that all seem to be related to eachother. NASCAR, Kid Rock, Country Music, and Baddddd Mosheens of any sort.

6. How does your family celebrate Christmas?

I am going to watch the Rudolph animated special and wish that Bumbles the abominable snowman had stayed evil and eaten all those annoying, pretentious reindeer.

7. Back where I grew up, Wahoo was a homemade board game redneck types played. What's a Wahoo, REALLY?

The definition is beyond the comprehension level of a mere Ninja such as yourself.

8. What's your take on the future of rock music?

Every band that I enjoy and hold dear will change their style to appeal to a different target audience and will be enjoyed and held dear by every 12-15 year old in the world. It's a sad state of affairs.

9. Why indeed must the 'Hoo be heard?

The 'Hoo gets tired of only being heard by himself. I have long required a forum for my words and opinions to be seen by the mindless masses. What better place than the Internet?

10. Anything you'd like to add?

Yes, thank you. The one story with a moral that I try to tell everyone that I encounter is this: I was once waiting in line at a grocery store to purchase some BBQ Pringles and french onion dip. When suddenly, a woman tossed a baby into the air in my direction. Naturally, I put my arms up to catch it. After giving the child back to it's mother, I realized that in the commotion someone had stolen my wallet. The moral of this story is, if anyone EVER throws a baby in the air at you ... just bat it down, folks ... just ... bat it down.

You may email naked pictures of yourself (but only if you're Susanna Hoffs), hate mail, love mail, The 'Hoo fan fiction and Staind bootlegs by clicking on his name!.

-- The 'Hoo

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