|
Are you familiar with the TV show The Swan?
It's a show that takes ugly people and "transforms" them into
beautiful people...these ugly people go through tons of plastic
surgery -- face lifts, tummy tucks, new teeth, new eyes, new
nose, new boobs. It's a wonderful show that offers to help take
the uglies off the street and replace them with eye candy. The
show also helps with the inside, by offering help of a
psychiatrist.
"What a brilliant concept," I thought, so I
wanted to join the team and help get rid of the uglies. I spend
a lot of time online, and one thing I hate is coming across a
picture that is so hideous, it makes my eyes bleed. I think ugly
people online is a huge travesty. When you're ugly in real life,
why would you want to be ugly online? That's a major reason why
ugly people come online: Real-life people rejected them. You
come online to socialize without being seen or without hearing
the make fun laughter. But when it's time for you to show your
picture, what the fuck are you thinking by sending someone your
ACTUAL picture? At least send them a picture of your hot friend
and say it's you. And yes, every butt-ugly, grotesque person on
this planet has a hot friend. That's how they get dubbed the
'hot friend' in the first place. Compared to a mongoloid, anyone
would look better.
So that's where I come in. The Internet Swan - because
there is no reason to be ugly in cyberspace.
I will take your hideous pictures and
Photoshop the hell out of them until they look decent enough to
make me not want to stab my monitor. I don't promise miracles
because ugly is ugly no matter what...but at least nobody will
know you have discolored teeth!
So to introduce some of my work, let's all meet Janelle (if you
are seizure prone, do not click her profile).
She has been polluting MySpace not only with
her low IQ, but also with her infamous Eyebrows of Death.
Janelle refers to herself as a Playboy Princess Bunny. But
luckily, The Swan is here to correct the situation before Hugh
Hefner sued her ass for forever tainting the image that goes
along with the words "Playboy Bunny" by putting her ugly face
behind it.
There, now Warner Brothers can sue her (and
what she does with that carrot is her own business, okay).
Now on to Janelle's full Photoshopped make-over.
No more eyebrows of death!
I tried to ask Janelle what she thought of our
generous free online make-over. but Miss Janelle refused to
comment, even though we took the liberty of pimping out her dog!
You know what they say about pets looking like their
owner...poor Poochy.
We tried but we couldn't offer Janelle inside
help; she has been ignoring all of our online attempts to
contact her. It is obvious she is in denial of her ugliness. But
The Swan hopes one day she will contact us. It's not easy being
ugly...
Moving on to another issue plaguing the
Internet waves......The Chubbies! As introduced in a
previous article by Ninja R,
Chubbies are everywhere, including MySpace. I thought I would
perform virtual liposuction on a few of these girls to see how
it went. But the problem I found with these plus-sized porkers
is they have NO neck.
I'm assuming they got hungry and ate it,
because it's just face and shoulders. A virtual neck
transplant/reconstructive surgery is very hard to do. So these
fat chicks are now turned into Butterfaces (everything looks
good, but her face). I guess it's better than being a Chubby.
Angel
You have been slimmed!
Kellie Kay
Hit me big mac, one more time!
I believe the Internet scales just got a
little lighter, now that 4,000 pounds of pudge has just been
Photoshopped off. However, The Swan failed to contact
these girls for their thoughts and reactions to the above
makeovers...I don't want to take any chances on this happening:
MM YUM SWANS TASTE GOOD BLAAARRG
So that's my introduction. The Swan's office
can be found at
The Internet Swan. Click the
link and send us a message if you or someone you know is in need
of virtual transformation. Inside & Out.. we're here to help.
Because there is NO reason to be ugly in cyberspace.
-The Internet Swan
The Swan is against shooting fat women
in the gut, mostly because the last time it was attempted, the
extreme ricochet force doubled the bullet's speed, thus
traveling though time and killing Abraham Lincoln. And
here you people thought John Wilkes Booth killed him |
