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Courtney Love -- MEDIA
WHORE!
By Ninja R, 5-30-2004
Dateline: July 9, 1964, San Francisco, California
-- In the midst of free love, hippies and rampant drug use, a baby was
born. Its parents, in one of those things heavy drug users call "a
moment of clarity," named their daughter Love Michelle Harrison.
They would have named her "Love Michelle Heroin" in some weird,
new-age, psychic thing, but figured her life would be much easier if she
had a normal last name.
Dateline: July 8, 1975, Winnie, Texas --
Almost 11 years after the birth of the San Francisco whore, a young ninja
by the name of R was born. Their paths to opposition were preordained
by the gods!
And so it has come to be. Coffee at my right
hand, music in the air, here's my attempt at explaining the media whore
called Courtney Love.

While strung out on heroin, Courtney says
to her fans, "Hey guys! Smell my armpit and I'll give you head! I'm
so wasted!"
Courtney, in keeping with her hippy upbringing,
succeeded in her ultimate goals in life: becoming a drugged out whore
addicted to heroin. And this was simply before anyone really knew about
her. Her marriage to Kurt Cobain of Nirvana fame only sweetened the pot
for her...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
The media whore first started her rise by
attempting to hook up with Billy Corgan from The Smashing Pumpkins. She
might be a whore, but whores can usually sniff out money from even the
most stingy of people. This was, of course, before Corgan had really hit
the big time with his band. Located in Chicago, the two dated on and off
before Corgan finally came to his senses and dumped her...probably on
the same street corner he'd picked her up.
Undaunted, she sighted in on one of the
brightest up-and-coming stars of the rock world -- Kurt Cobain. Her love
for him only extended to the amount of drugs he could get for her...she
still insisted on retaining her changed surname: Love. Somehow, she changed
her name, rid herself of the confusing Heroin/Harrison thing, and switched
her first name to her last name.
That's an interesting point...what kind
of shit do you think a kid would grow up taking if her first name was
Love? Maybe this also explains her fucked up, whorish ways.

As shown above, Love demostrates how to
properly give a client one hell of a handjob.
Anyway, she and Cobain had lots of "fun"
together, cavorting around the world while increasing the coffers of opium
producers. Love's band, Hole (the name of which completely describing
which organ of hers she wanted to cram full), had a not-so-popular album
out called "Pretty On The Inside." The title described what
Love would like others to think of her, since she looked less pretty on
the outside and more like a bloated carcass and whatever had been chewing
on it.
Her mediocre band returned to the studio,
forged together with Cobain's contacts at Geffen Records. Typical for
a mediocre band, they churned out a mediocre second album called "Live
Through This," foretelling such HARDSHIP such as blowing the trust
fund she'd been living on for smack as well as Cobain's fortune off the
successes of Nirvana's three albums. Cobain and she also had a child,
Frances Bean Cobain. Bean came from Kurt, when he commented during an
ultrasound she looked just like a little bean. This was all while Courtney
was still shooting up heroin. What a mother, huh?
Cobain died. Love was so TERRIBLY upset,
she released some rambling crap about Cobain's mother using "tough
love" on him as a kid. Perhaps if Love's junky parents had used tough
love on her, she wouldn't be the whore she is today...but I digress.
After Cobain committed suicide, Love cashed
in, dropped their toddler off at Grandma's, stole a married entertainment
industry mogul away from his pregnant wife, assaulted and threatened journalists,
terrorized airline employees and passengers around the world, overdosed
on painkillers, and every once in a while paraded her tragic child at
movie premieres while tottering about high and half-nude on the red carpet.
Love then went on to tour for her aforementioned
album, so upset she was. The media obliged her every whim and she was
soon on the cover of women's magazine such as Vogue. I'm not completely
sure why Vogue would even consider putting her on the cover...but they
do have a habit of pasting drug-addicted whores to grace the front pages.

But those appearances only meant Howard
Stern, of all people, was one of the only people on Earth who hadn't viewed
Love's rack...so she offered it up for him.
The only thing Courtney ever actually did
of any repute was playing a drug-addicted former stripper in the movie,
"The People Versus Larry Flynt." Coincidentally, she has been
romantically linked to Flynt's lawyer in the movie, Edward Norton. Mr.
Norton, come to your senses...she destroys talent.
Hole's third CD, Celebrity Skin, is even
more terrible than the first two albums they've released. This isn't surprising.
Have you heard the CD? It doesn't even sound like there's a drummer playing!
But this doesn't even begin to display my
sheer hatred of the woman. She can do whatever she wants with herself,
really. If the media wants to hold such a whore in high esteem, that's
their right.
My main problem with her is her treatment
of Frances.
Stripper-turned-celebrity Courtney Love
is simply one fucked up mother. This, of course, makes her a mother fucker.
"Where's Frances?!" she screeched
when she lost her daughter backstage at the Grammys last month. After
locating the child, Love abandoned her and went out boozing with fellow
exhibitionist Paris Hilton. Frances is 11 years old now. Do you remember
how you were at age 11?
Upon swallowing at least 20 milligrams of
OxyContin recently, Love was nursed by Frances, who made her strung-out
mother some green tea while they waited for an ambulance. "I made
it fun," Love explained to People magazine. "I said it was going
to be gross, and I was going to have to make myself throw up, but it was
going to be OK."
What kind of shit is that? Don't ALL OF
YOU reading this think making yourself throw up is "fun?" What
would YOU think of your mother if she was strung out on OxyContin and
YOU had to call an ambulance for her?
Tough love, MY ASS. It would be better if
Courtney simply just LOVED her daughter in the first place.
And the media rewards this simple bitch's
pathological behavior. They prop her up in the polls, show her whenever
she makes an appearance, interview her for such *stellar* opinion. And
people actually listen to this ridiculous whore.
Love's recent antics include flashing David
Letterman on his late night TV show. After Love lifted her raggedy top
for Letterman, he grinned from ear to ear, saying, "Very sweet of
you. We're going to lose our liquor license." HA HA HA HA! OMG FUNNY!!~~1
Additionally, she's recently pled guilty
to misdemeanor COCAINE possession. With all of the drug problems and all
of the various times she's had to go to the hospital and all of the treatment
programs she's been in, she still can't quit the habit. But this isn't
really such a bad thing, of course. About the drug, Courtney said to her
daughter, "Cocaine is like really evil coffee." I've had really
evil coffee. As a matter of fact, the only good coffee is strong coffee.
Courtney likens an illegal drug that can potentially kill a person in
one dose to "evil coffee." Fuck you, Courtney.

Love shows how to snort an eight ball
of coke all at once in an effort to hide it from suspicious police.
Not only should Love apologize to her daughter,
but she should apologize to the world at large for showing us her cragged,
aping face, no doubt the result of too much plastic surgery (which she
admits to having after saying, "I don't need plastic in my body to
validate me as a woman." I guess saline instead of "plastic"
is what she meant). Applying makeup with a trowel while displaying way
too much pasty white skin is a bit too much for many of us.

Above, Love hides the most embarrassing part of her body -- the only
part that HASN'T HAD enhancement -- all the while distracting the viewer
with makeup slathered on with a trowel.
And last but not least, here was the straw that broke THIS camel's back:

This photo is used courtesy of
www.angrygerman.com.
Thanks, X.
Here's a woman who vehemently
bitches about a "lack of women's rights," and then she's almost
completely naked during one of her concerts. What a slut. She's enjoying
her "rights?" NO! Look at her! Like X wrote about, she's smiling.
She's enjoying this. She doesn't realize the implications this will have.
So...in summary...Love is a fucked up media whore who relies on us to
prop her up. In the meantime, Frances Bean gets dropped off at the nanny
until her (biological) mother finally kills herself so she can officially
call herself an orphan.
Courtney cries out to the world, OMG OMG TAKE CARE OF ME! But it makes
one wonder: who will take care of Frances? The nanny? David Letterman?
Fuck you, Courtney Love.
-- Ninja R
During no point of during
this column's creation was any music resembling Hole listened
to. Ninja R doesn't listen to stupid music.
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