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Paris Hilton: Media Whore
by Ninja R, 2-16-2006

It's probably premature to look back three years to 2003.  Still, it's easy to miss days when Hilton meant a fairly-decent hotel and Paris was some snooty city in France where people liked cheese and women didn't know what a razor blade was.

Now, we sit around talking to people about, "Remember when we didn't know who the hell Paris Hilton was?"

These days, though, you can't get rid of the little whore.  She's like herpes, only she's about eight times more annoying because it's like a little herpe that talks to you.  And when it talks, it's nothing but pure crap.  "That's hot."

This is all because of one thing -- Paris Hilton is a media whore.

Here's the silly bitch in all her crack whore splendor.  I wish that damn choker around her neck were a few inches more tight.  Staring at this picture too long will cause eye cancer.  See the risks I take for you stupid frickin' people?  SEE?

Yes, folks...words cannot express how much I hate this silly bitch.  I'm not even really sure where I should start this story out...there are so many places to start.

Still, since it's her birthday today, I'll start at the beginning.

She was born to some rich parents.  Evidently, this is her claim to fame -- money.  This simple bitch couldn't even graduate from high school...she's got a GED.  There, that's the beginning.

Here's the stupid hooker's before and after pictures.  They don't even remotely look similar -- yet another reason to hate the frickin' whore.  I guess the lazy eyelid thing came from too much face surgery.  She needs more.  You think doctors can cut someone's entire face off and leave it like that?  It'd be an improvement.

I'm not sure which brought her rise to notoriety -- her night-vision blurry home porn video with her then-boyfriend (readily available anywhere) or the moronic show on which she costarred with fellow media whore and heroin junky Nicole Richie.  I suppose it doesn't matter...I don't have a tolerance for nausea so I'm not going to think too much about it.  Google brings up over 10 million hits for her.

As long as we're being nostalgic here, remember when a tramp was just a tramp?  NOT ANYMORE!  At least, not with Miss Hilton.  Nooooooooooooo...she's just a socialite, jet-setting culture creature who's just out to have a little fun, right?

Nah.  We'll resort to a few simpler truths here: Money doesn't equal class, sex sells, and maybe most importantly -- the apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree.

Speaking of the tree, her parents, whom you rarely see, are all set to make their own stupid ass TV show soon called "I Want to Be a Hilton."  Oh, just fucking great.  Just fucking goddamn grand.  Since they're already fucked up two daughters, NOW they want to get 14 *less privileged* wannabes together and teach them how to be.................cultured.  That's pronounced CUL-CHAAAD for you less erudite folks out there.  We don't know yet if they'll teach people a goddamn thing about modesty and humility, but looking at the fucking sluts they've already turned out, I'm betting NO.

Think they'll teach contestants about this?  Ah, Paris Hilton -- the self-styled role model!

But back to Paris.  After her sex video was published, her ex-boyfriend Rick Soloman actually published it on a DVD, calling it "One Night in Paris."  As if she didn't have enough money already, the money-grubbing whore sued the shit out of the guy...they settled for about $400,000 and some of the DVD's profits.

Then it was on to starring on The Simple Life, where she and fellow fucking hooker Nicole Richie make fun of backwoods types and perform poorly at various, simple tasks like "walking in a straight line" and "having the common sense of a third grade child."  For three fucking seasons, this trash has been playing on TV so SOMEONE is watching.  I just can't find one goddamn person who's brave enough to admit it.  Word is she makes $10 million an episode.

Pathetic.

But hey, we can't discount Hilton's charity work, heck no.  Being a fucking retard, she felt she had to deal with other retards.  Figuring all that, you'd think she'd do something with the Special Olympics or something, but hell no -- she participated with P. Diddy's "Vote or Die" campaign....you know, because they gotta GET OUT THE YOUTH VOTE!!1

A lot of good that did...youth voter turnout was lower in 2004 than ever before.  How fucking insulting...you guys want ME to vote because Paris "GED" Hilton tells me I need to?  Fuck THAT.  But here's the kicker -- not only did she NOT vote, SHE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING REGISTERED TO VOTE.  The silly bitch can't even stick with her own goddamn campaign.

So...when I discovered she designed purses for Toys For Tots -- a program near and dear to my own heart -- I was pretty pissed off about that, too.  She could have used her star power to gather a shitload of people.  She could have donated a fucking hour or so of her time once a week for T4T.  But HELL NO, she designed some fucking purses.  That's it.  Donating her TIME would be too much for her to give -- and would be a lot less in keeping with her standard of just promoting something but not applying it to herself.

So...figuring all this crap, I couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh when her cell phone's address book was hacked online.  See, T-Mobile keeps all this information online -- password protected, of course.  If you forget your password, T-Mobile will issue you a new one if you answer the security question.

The thing is -- her security question was, "What is your favorite pet's name?"  HOLY SHIT.  As much as she's been seen with and talked about that goddamn little dog of hers, it wouldn't be a stretch for SOMEONE to guess it.

The bad thing is...that dog probably lives better than three-quarters of Americans and virtually all Canadians.

These days, Hilton can be seen marketing her own perfume, making retarded hamburger commercials for Carl's Jr., running her own record label called Heiress Records (it should be a sign that your music is shit when you have to self publish it), playing bit parts in various, shitty movies and running around wearing T-shirts that read, "Got Blow?"

Take notice; your kids are watching.

And they get an eyeful of her disgusting cooter.

Here's the cherry on top of the sundae for you -- recently, she successfully trademarked the phrase, "That's hot."  THANK CHRIST.  Now, maybe people will stop fucking saying it.  ONLY PARIS CAN SAY IT NOW, FOLKS.

For all of these reasons and more, Hilton has achieved the Hoodratz Low Standard Award -- even if Rosler is in love with the hooker.  Paris Hilton is a media whore.

Ninja R-

Many thanks to Kevin of ihateparishilton.pointlessbanter.net, from which I drew some of the pictures and material for this story.  Y'all visit his site and stuff -- this guy is awesome and hates the Hilton bitch worse than I do.

During the posting of this story, I listened to The Misfits' first CD of the Coffin box set.  Y'all check that out, too.  And if you don't like She or Horror Business, something is wrong with you.