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Fat Chicks and MySpace...
by Ninja R, 3-25-2006

Over the past few days, I've been checking out this MySpace thing.  Supposedly, it's all the rage with all you young kids and stuff.  My pal EdWood from over at THI gave me a heads up about some guy, "Randy," from MySpace.

And there was my super introduction to the freaks of MySpace.

Here's a little about our new pal, Randy:

From his profile:

I'm a 5ft. 200lb SWM, w/ hazel eyes and long brown (salt and pepper)hair. That just happens to be in a wheelchair w/ cerebral palsy. I'm easy going, open minded, like trying new thing (if I'm phisically able to do it), making new friends, sex of course, I have good but can be somewhat dry (at times) sense of humor, and I get bored easily, and yet I am easily amused.

Holy jeezly creezly...a 200-pound man who's five feet tall?  WOW.  Granted, he's in a wheelchair and has cerebral palsy.  I'm sure that probably hampers his fitness routine just a little. 

I could not, however, resist making fun of this picture.  Who in their right mind could resist making fun of a guy who looks like he's been pulled from the womb with a monkey wrench?

However, I don't want to get into Randy too much because that's going to take me from the original intent of this story. 

"But, R...what's the intent of this story? Get on with it already, retard."

Well, I'm glad you asked.  Remember in Randy's profile where he wrote, "horny 4 younger (18+) bbws and chicks w/ big boobs"?  (BBW = "big beautiful women")  Perusing Randy's friends list, the fact he loves fat chicks became painfully apparent.

And that's when I was introduced to the dark underbelly -- a huge one -- of MySpace Fat Chicks.

I've never understood the appeal of fat chicks, for the most part.  I always figured it had something to do with warmth or extra padding in case any guy who was fucking a fat chick fell from a roof or something.  Still, there's a small subset of guys out there who really do dig this stuff.

Since I don't know much about it, I asked TheFuzzyHulk, resident chubby chaser at the Jason Rivera forums, why he loves fat chicks so much. Here's what he had to say:

"Because when you make a fat girl feel attractive, they will do anything to make you happy. That includes whatever next gen video gaming system you want, free dinner whenever you want it (and let's face it, them fat chicks can cook), and balls deep blowjobs with enough suction you have to pull the sheets out of the crack of your ass."

Never thought of it that way, I guess.  I was way off the mark with padding.

So, with that said, I'm gonna take you through a tour of five BBW chicks from MySpace.  Consider -- these aren't just your normal fat chicks you see waddling through your favorite local supermarket.  Hoodratz.net: Committed to bringing you the grossest finest fatties around.

Here's the first one I came across.

Sarita

Holy crap.  People actually take PICTURES of this stuff?

Ugh.  Who knows what metallurgists came up with the fabric/metal blend to hold up those sagging hellbags?  Never mind that she's British.  Her MySpace URL states she's a "goddess."  I don't know about y'all, but if that's a goddess, she's a GODDESS FROM HELL SENT FROM THE NETHERWORLD TO DEVOUR YOUR CHILDREN.

From her blog and profile:

Welcome to my blog on my space! I've never done one of these before, so please be patient...I'm from Britain, I'm in my late 40s as you can see on
my profile
I'm not married but I have a lovely young boyfriend who keeps me warm at night

Who I'd like to meet:
Only very selected special persons

I wonder if Randy fits the bill for those "very selected special persons."

The picture above was the only one posted on her MySpace deal, so thank everything you know how to thank for that little fact.  Why be thankful?  Because you're about to see something even worse.

Ms. Dawn

What the fuck is this supposed to be?

Watermarked in her page's background was a HUGE picture of her...as if we needed a bigger picture.  This picture already weighs five pounds by itself.

From her profile:

Finally I am going to post a lil something about myself...I am a Big Beautiful Woman, and I love my body...I have 2 wonderful sons ages 11 and 8...

(The other five children she had would be 10, 9, 7, 6 and 5 if she hadn't eaten them already.)

they are the sunshine in my life...My oldest son just started middle school...man does that make me feel old...

(You shouldn't worry about being old.  It takes a long time to get that much mass on a human being.  You should worry more about how your two surviving children are being warped and scarred for life because the other kids in school with moms who don't weigh 300 pounds are making fun of them.)

I love to go out and dance...something about being in the club with the lights and the music...just watch out that I don't get close to any poles...have been known to dance very sexily when I have a pole to dance on...must be my stripper fantasy...

(Poles that can support your bulk aren't poles, Ms. Dawn.  They're called pillars.  Thinking of the guy's remains to whom you'd writhe and wriggle during a stripper lap dance is putting me off my coffee.)

Think of THIS stripping on your lap or twirling around a pole straining under the weight.  I'd run for cover...there's no telling when the pole would give out under the strain.

anyway moving along...I enjoy movies...shopping...occasionally eating out...I love Vegas...and the last time I was there Vegas was lovin me...anything else you want to know...don't hesitate to send me a message...

(I'm sure you DO love Vegas with all the all-you-can-eat buffets and all.  I'm pretty sure they didn't love you, though.  Losing money from the three hours you had a feedbag strapped on your face isn't love.)

Haven't had enough, huh?  Feast your eyes upon this...

Kellie Kay

OK, I seriously could NOT stop laughing at the quote up there.  No, Kellie, I don't wish anyone was fat like you.  It puts me off my food.

In her picture, she said she's sometimes in Ohio and Connecticut.  She doesn't mean she travels back and forth between the two.  She means her bulk literally stretches from the Midwest to New England.  I suppose it lures in more unsuspecting victims men for her dinner traps.

From her profile:

Wanna know about me? First off I'm a BBW, as you can see from the photos but hey I love myself and that's all that matters!

(And I'm sure you love Type II Diabetes and obesity-related strokes, too.)

I'm very proud of myself and I know I look good even though I'm a Big Girl. I'm involved in Adult modeling, and i love every minute of it! My dream?? To be in BODacious Magazine and one day i will be (i hope lol)

(Are your parents proud their "Big Girl" has attained such achievement such as eating enough food to power Somalia?  I'm sure you do love adult modeling...any attention is better than no attention, I guess.)

Big girls are sexy, no matter what society says, in fact all girl are sexy no matter what the size! A HUGE part of my life is music, I love it I try to go to concerts about 3 or more times a month.

(Here's where her theory falls flat on its face, I think.  All "girl" are sexy?  I believe the cholesterol has sufficiently blocked enough blood going to her brain.  As far as concerts go, let's hope you don't try slam dancing one of these days -- innocent 18-year-old kids are gonna get killed if they get in the way of this frickin' train.

Oh, crap.  My eyes.  The pain.  The horror.

What the hell is that supposed to be?!  I can't tell where the horror stops and the human begins.  And I should love this "chubbiness?"  GODDAMN, her belly button is going to fucking eat me!  How am I supposed to love it?

As her occupation, she's listed that she's a secretary and a "BBW" Model.  Dearest, those aren't called models.  Those are called "truck displays" and most people usually only see them at monster truck shows.

Oh, holy fuck.  Her eyes are frickin' glowing red.  I should give her some credit, though.  My eyes would probably glow red if someone took a picture of me where my massive ass crack was showing, too. 

Can you imagine the amount of blood coursing through her veins?  If not, look at her blotchy right arm.  There's so much pressure, it's about to explode.

Tami

Oh holy no its hard for me to type

Now, take a look at this mistress from Michigan.  She's wearing what I think is supposed to be a thong...only in the real world that isn't MySpace, we call it a "three-man water balloon launcher."  I'm sure it took three men to get that thing on here, never mind it probably takes at least three of them to hoist her out of bed every morning.  Forget all that, though.  She's a "fat girl gone wild!"  WILD, I'm tellin' ya!  WILD!  Again, in the real world, we call that a stampede, not "going wild."

A chick like that should not have a name like Tami.  It doesn't fit her.  Her parents should have named her TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMI.  That's more fitting.  Then again, how were they supposed to know their "little" girl would grow up to be a BBW pin up girl?

And what the hell is a BBW pin up, anyway?  If you're hanging THESE pictures up, you'd better use some damn good screws and make sure you hit the stud -- her pictures HAVE to weigh a lot on their own.  You'll need some goddamn good support for that stuff.

I found this picture from Christmas lurking in one of her blogs.  My comments are embedded in the speech balloon.

Let's see a little bit from her profile:

I am the webmistress for sexy BBW site http://www.bbwpinups.com, and I am also one of the models. I take great pride in what I do. All of the models on the site were picked because of their charisma, slamming bodies, and love of their fat bodies! They're all awesome ladies, I am so honored to run their sites

You'd have to pay me to get on that web site.  But what the hell is a "webmistress?"  I thought they were webmasters or something.  Are there webmisters?

Slammin' bodies?  C'mon.  With enough force, those bodies would completely destroy anything with which they came in contact.  I guess those gravity rolls on her legs (see above) are supposed to be "slammin'," though.

What the heck is this crap supposed to be?  I'm surprised The Eat Factor in that room didn't scare off the guy who took the photo.

I really had to stop and laugh at this picture.  This one pretty much says it all...one chick feeling another's belly while she's having some Steak and Shake.  I suppose food IS a turn on.

Again, from her profile, she's written: Children: Undecided.  Translated, this means she's undecided about taking the step to supreme fatdom -- eating her young.

Angel

Snicker?  Do you mean Snickers?

Here's another girl who justifies my theory of people who use the word "angel" in their usernames.  From the initial picture, I suppose it's not THAT bad.  That's subjective, of course -- she's used some makeup and GOT HER HURR DID and all that stuff.  Glance on down at her udders, though.  You know you're about to be in for some fun.

oh lord christ save me from this hell and help me to write the rest of this article amen

I'm trying to comprehend this whole set up here.  They make pink tents like that?  Where do I get 'em?  Her knees must SERIOUSLY hate her.  I'd hate anyone who made me support THAT much weight with such little help.

Here's a little about her:

Hmmm what can I say about me ;) I am 27 years old and live in oregon. I am a web model and a webmistress. I run, own and operate my own site and LOVE it!!! http://www.bbwangelgirl.com It is definately my dream job.

(Yep, anything that'll have you sitting on that massive ass of yours would be your dream job.  I don't think you live in Oregon.  I think you roam in Oregon.  It's called, "the life of an elk.")

I have also modeled professionally for Big Butt Magazine, Plumpers Magazine and XL Girls Magazine... lots of fun!!! I am a very passionate person in everything I do, sometimes to a fault, hehe

(Does that include weight gaining tips for attractive women?)

I love to read good books and watch good movies... I love yoga!!!

(I would love to see her perform Yoga moves.  You can't find hilarity like that ANYWHERE.  I think she's full of shit about Yoga...there's no way she could stretch herself into any position other than *sitting* and that already creates enough heat.  Think of the global warming problem, Angel.  Think of the kids.)

Here's who she wrote she'd like to meet: other fun cute big girls as well as men who admire a super curvy vixen!!! I love making new friends so hit me up, lets chat!!!

After I saw this picture, I decided there would be no chats with her starting on my end.  No sirree Bob.  If there's a way to eat people through a computer line, I'm sure she'd figure it out.

Also from her profile: "I dont cam except for my website members, so if ya want to see me naked then just stop by my site and check me out!"

Figuring she was digging on guys who like fat chicks, I figured beggars can't be choosers, so maybe she should "cam" for others.  Then I ran across this in one of her blogs:

I hope she doesn't charge people for her pictures by weight alone.

If you're anything like me, you'll notice a little disparity in the above blog post with the chat crap she posted earlier.

Yeah, I had to stop looking for a while after this...my eyes were seriously hurting.

It should be said that a lot of these people's MySpace pages had the stupid glitter comment crap that all the retards leave for everyone else.  Yeah, go figure -- they can't leave a personal comment on someone's page...they have to put up some retarded crap that someone else made FOR them.

I also noticed a lot of these people's pages had loads of BODacious Magazine ads.  What's that?

Well, it's too sick to post a link, really, but apparently, it's a magazine that caters to men who like humongous chicks.  As the time of this article's posting, there have been three issues released.  That's a hell of a demographic they're trying to hit.  But hey, palsied, wheelchair-bound guys like Randy are all about 'em.  I guess he hasn't thought about the damage to his wheelchair from supporting any additional weight.

For curiosity's sake, I looked up the definition of bodacious:

Main Entry: bo·da·cious
Function: adjective
Pronunciation: bO-'dA-sh&s
Etymology: probably blend of bold and audacious
1 Southern & Midland : OUTRIGHT , UNMISTAKABLE
2 : REMARKABLE , NOTEWORTHY <the bodacious 1974 comedy -- People>

Where in this definition does it say anything about being fucking HUGE?  NOWHERE, that's where.  Not one damn thing says it...but yet, BODacious Magazine saw it fit to label their fat chick magazine as such.

And that's about it for this article.  I'm off to go nurse my mental wounds.

- Ninja R

During the writing of this article, I consumed two cups of coffee and made my way through most of the Type O Negative discography.   You should check 'em out.  Type O Negative, I mean, not coffee.  Well, check out coffee, too.  Check 'em out at the same time if you want.

Nothing about the above article should be construed as being a closeted fat chick lover.