But yet...the age-old question has always dwindled in the backs of minds worldwide.  And no, I'm not talking about the age-old question, "Does Hoodratz ROCK more than Slayer or merely just more than Nickleback?"  Of course Hoodratz rocks more than Nickleback.  Martha Stewart rocks more than Nickleback, so the answer to that question is obvious.

No, the age-old question: "Who was the best ninja turtle?"

Out of four to pick from, opinions varied.   Of course, a lot of those opinions were lame and completely stupid...unless someone thought the best ninja turtle was:

RAPHAEL.

Yes, you are completely lame, stupid and are like Carl from Slingblade if you don't think Raphael was not the deadliest, coolest, coffee-drinkin'est, bitches-gettin' turtle around.  But...we here at Hoodratz understand that some people ARE this way.  So...The 'Hoo and I (Ninja R) have taken the liberty of discussing Raphael's best traits for you...THE READERS. 

(note - no doubt, if you're a frequent visitor of our site, you've seen the left border color and font color change.  No, this is a not a Christmasy sort of thing, even though we realize red and green are Christmasy colors.  It's our little way of showing tribute to our favorite turtle of all time.  And in case you're a retard, Raphael's favorite color was RED.   He is GREEN, as all cool turtles are.)

The ‘Hoo: The first thing that stands out about Raphael is his choice of weapon. In fact, I don't think he chose at all. I think when Splinter was handing out weapons, Raphael got the short end of the stick.

Ninja R: well, sais do look like forks...I think Splinter was just out of ideas with sticks and knifes and crap....

Ninja R: he's all like..."umm...Raph...you'll have to use this here....FORK!"

The ‘Hoo: That is a good point ... I think when the turtles graduated to true ninja status, Splinter said ..." OK, Raphael ... I am all out of really great ninja weapons ... so, you can go to the kitchen and pick something out" ...

The ‘Hoo: his options? ... a cheese grater ... a pizza cutter ... and some sais ...

The choice should be clear.

Ninja R: yeah, but they lived in the sewer of all the places for ninjas to live.

The ‘Hoo: Well, there is much to be said about the sewers ... it is dark ... and we all know ninjas enjoy the dark ...

Ninja R: well, it's just like you said...Raph got the short end of the stick, what with weapons and all...but like any GOOD turtle, he overcame adversity.

The ‘Hoo: Exactly ... we can safely say that despite being forced to live in the sewers and to fight with kitchen utensils ... Raphael still kicked much ass. I mean, it is pretty easy to behead someone with a katana ... or trip someone with a bo staff ... but it takes major balls to run up to a hardcore ninja and poke them with a sai ...

Ninja R: a sai...in the eye...that rhymes.

The ‘Hoo: Yes, NinjaR ... I suppose it does.

Ninja R: he was a hell of a lot better than running around saying stupid shit like, "COWABUNGA" or being a fuckin' computer nerd.

The ‘Hoo: Another valid point ... Raphael was the turtle with personality ... have you ever seen the movie? ... no one else has made the transition from wise cracking and laid back to NY ghetto thug so well ...

This ain't no cartoon.

Ninja R: well........you know Vanilla Ice was in the second movie.... and Vanilla Ice was a ghetto thug like never before!

The ‘Hoo: maybe he and Raphael kicked it? ... you think? ... would a true ninja hang with V-Dawg? ... you're a ninja ... enlighten ...

Ninja R: I'm not sure how else Mr. Ice would have sold 987593479385 copies of his hit record without Raph's help and promotion. I mean, have you seen "Cool Than Ice?"

"People who belee in ice know. If you belee in ice den you ain't made from flesh but from fire. ice can make it go away all the bad things, that's what yo' wanted. But you got old and forgot. Den you know what happens? Your throat goes dry an' if you don' belee in ice den you aint made of fire and the ice don't melt."

Ninja R: when I'm AT THE CLUB...BOTTLE FULL OF BUBB...and I hear the soothing entrance bassline to Ice Ice Baby, I can't help but get misty at Raph's contribution...

The ‘Hoo: Yes, Raph and his turtle cohorts were quite big at the time ... a merchandising juggernaut if I ever saw one ...

The ‘Hoo: and who can forget the episode where Raph wrecked Splinter's car ... and then he and the other turtles tried to get it fixed before Splinter returned ...

Ninja R: Ummmm...that was an episode of Growing Pains.  Kirk Cameron wrecked the car, man.

The ‘Hoo: So it was ... good call ...

Otherwise known on the popular '80s show as Mike Seaver, Mr. Cameron now stars in stupid ass movies.  Ever see Left Behind?   Count yourself lucky.

The ‘Hoo: Yes ... Raphael had many skills and talents that then public may not be aware of ... and that brings us to the history of Raph ... what he did before he decided that the path of the ninja was for him ...

Ninja R: well, unbeknownst to the public, he was one of the main influences behind the hit TV show What's Happening.....

Above, Rerun and Raphael pose with the rest of the cast.  Reports say Raphael stuck with Rerun after his career was over and was at his bedside when he died.  RIP, Mr. Fred Berry.

The ‘Hoo: Yes, Raphael was rubbing elbows with many of Hollywood's elite long before meeting up with Splinter and company ...

Ninja R: who shot JR? Psh....RAPHAEL shot him, dumbass...

The ‘Hoo: Yes ... it was the turtle ... with the glock ... in the study ...

The ‘Hoo: Few know of his early days with the hardcore rap group, NWA ... before he was ousted in favor of Ren ....

Ninja R: yeah...he's not often cited as being the mastermind behindsongs such as "Gangster Gangster."

The album cover that never was.

The ‘Hoo: I have heard that a lot of his great rap works were never released ... it is being saved for after his death so he can live on a la Tupac ...

Ninja R: it's like an Elvis thing, I think...suck ass record companies always keepin' a brutha man down...

The ‘Hoo: Well, they'd think twice if he showed up ... sais ready ... in full blown poke mode ...

Ninja R: well....it's a guarantee no mother fucker like Suge Knight would show up to hang him off a balcony like Suge did with the aforementioned Mr. Ice.

The ‘Hoo: But, as usual with famous teens ... the bottom fell out for poor Raphael ... when TMNT started going downhill and was eventually replaced with such great cartoons as Pokemon ... Raph fell into a deep depression and had a hard time making ends meet ...

Ninja R: yes, much like Henry Rollins, he's had to take up bit parts here and there in order to put dinner on the table.

The ‘Hoo: Yeah, he used his tough guy image to land such roles as ... "Tough Vamp #5" in the Lost Boys ...

The Lost Boys...starring Raphael -- in the back.

The ‘Hoo: his part was eventually edited out for time reasons ...

Ninja R: it's all about the MOVIE CHECK, YO. HE GOTS TO GET PAID!

Ninja R: he's also been seen recently discussing political matters with Mr. Bill O'Reilly...you know, weapons of mass destruction and all...

Above: Raphael casts a doubtful glance at Mr. O'Reilly when Bill asked if he'd recently lived in Iraq.

Ninja R: and since Raph IS a WMD, I can understand why he'd talk with O'Reilly.

The ‘Hoo: Yeah ... I heard he was doing that in hopes that the government would send him in on some covert operations ... and keeps his deadly sais polished for when that day arrives ... but, eventually all attempts to stay in the public eye failed ... and ... Raphael turned to where every other burnout and washed up celeb turns to ...

Ninja R: Master P's label, No Limit Records?

The ‘Hoo: Well, I was going to say McDonald's ... however, No Limit or working the grill at McDonalds? ... sounds like a lose/lose situation to me ...

"Would you like fries with your Crispy Chicken sandwich, sir?"

Below are a list of dos and don'ts when you encounter Raphael these days.

DO:

The ‘Hoo: Comment on how slimming the color red is ...

Ninja R: Ask how he keeps his nails so clean.

The ‘Hoo: Tell him that you always thought he should be leader ... just like the "T U R T L E Power" song indicates ...

Ninja R: Offer to buy a 12-pack of his favorite light beer....in keeping with his slim, trim, muscular figure.

The ‘Hoo: Tell him you laughed at EVERY one of his jokes ...

The ‘Hoo: Tell him that you always thought he was the only turtle that had a chance of getting in April O'Neal's pants ...

April stares in amazement at the size of Raphael's love shaft as she prepares to unleash her heaving breasts.

DON'T:

Ninja R: Ask him where April is now...

Ninja R: Ask about his time spent with Delta Force...he can't talk about that or he'll have to kill you...but he can do that anyway.

The ‘Hoo: Offer him lettuce and bugs when having him over ... he hates that ... Raphael is a beer and corn nuts kind of turtle ...

Ninja R: Compare his ninja stylings with Eric Roberts from Best of the Best...the worst disrespect...

The ‘Hoo: Say " May I have your autograph, Kermit?" Because who the fuck wants to be confused with Kermit?

Ninja R: especially when you're a mother fuckin' ninja.

If you get confused, just wonder which one of the two will kill you without a second thought.  I think the choice is clear.

The ‘Hoo: Kermit never pokes anyone ...

Ninja R: Kermit was a goddamn tree huggin' hippy...Raph would kick the livin' shit out of Kermit.

The ‘Hoo: I agree ... though, I think Miss Piggy may be able to take our green hero ... just a hunch

Ninja R: Raph always was a sucker for the chicks.

The ‘Hoo: And DON’T make fun of his weapons ... because he WILL poke you ...

With those many factors in mind, it's almost hard to believe no one would agree with us at Hoodratz.  BUT -- since we are like Fox News -- fair and balanced -- we realize your opinions may not have changed.   Or maybe you DO agree with us and have all along.  In any case, three other sites have posted their opinions as well:

Huffin and Puffin's Leonardo stuff

Ninja Culture's Michaelangelo stuff

Pop Rocks and Coke's (pending) Donatello stuff

Regardless...Raphael still rocks more faces off than the others.  He is sexy and hot. It's a proven fact.

-- The 'Hoo and Ninja R

And if you're reading this part, it means you haven't yet checked out the above sites.  GO CHECK THEM OUT, DAMMIT!