You know...even though I’ve had dogs, I just never really found one that suited my lifestyle very well. Sure, they’re "man’s best friend" and all, but still...I don’t know many men who like dog shit.

So, I decided to come up with my own dog. There’s GOTTA be enough technical expertise out there these days to make a robot dog...so why not? Why don’t they make me a robot dog? After all, we’re planning on spending BILLIONS of dollars on a trip to Mars because there’s obviously no better way to put billions of dollars to use. Well, I mean besides giving it back to the American people, helping fix other problems, building a nuclear defense shield, employing more anti-terror stuff around the US, fixing our borders, et al.

My guess is that no one really has a good idea for it...which is the point of this post. It’s my idea for a robot dog and they should go with it...mainly because ALL of my ideas rock this house...rock it inside out...

First off, I should find a name for it. I usually name my pets after famous battles or military stuff...I had a snake named Recon, a beagle named Sniper and I currently own the meanest snake in the world, Iwo (pronouced Ee-whoa). I started thinking OUTSIDE THE BOX to PUSH THE ENVELOPE for some names...there’s Terrible, Terrify, Scare The Shit Outta You...but I think Robot Dog suffices. After all, it’ll be the first bad ass (but not the first) robot dog ever...so just call it Robot Dog. That takes care of the name.

Now...here’s my initial layout for Robot Dog. He’s so cute and shit...look...

I love beagles, so we'll use a beagle.  Besides, people usually mistake beagles for being non-threatening.

I’m sure your hearts all went pitter-patter and fluttered at the site of such a lovable dog...but au contraire, my pals, check it out. Regular dogs just suck ass. They don’t have any cool shit on ‘em. First off, I’d add some stuff to ‘em. After all, it’s a robot dog. It’s supposed to have cool shit and be all scary and stuff. I’d give Robot Dog some teeth and eyes, first.

It’s time for further improvements. I know if I saw a beagle in a dark alley that looked like THAT, I’d be scared shitless. It’s not good enough though...and I’m sure you know we at Hoodratz strive for excellence in stupidity. Next, I’d throw in some adamantium claws. For those of you who don’t know what adamantium is, please see Wolverine from the X-Men comics, then log off your computer and get out in the world, please.

SHNICKY SHNICKY! When those claws fly out, you’re in for some fuckin’ trouble, guaranteed. It’s still not good enough though. I’d add a gun and some blood and crap...because Robot Dog will be a 100% killing machine...and that should scare you enough. .50-caliber weapons would put a hole in you about the size of Gianni Versace’s bunghole before he died.

I like how the gun kinda pops out of the double doors at the top. You might think it’s unsanitary to have blood and crap on its claws, but c’mon...it’s a robot dog and mostly made of metal...besides, sanitation is the last thing I think you’d have to worry about if you saw Robot Dog bearing down on your ass...I’d be more worried about the rockets flying out of its ass.

I went ahead and cleaned off the adamantium claws for you who were grossed out by it...because at Hoodratz, we're all about raising your self esteem.

Yep...for those of you who love shoving explosive items up animals’ asses, that one’s for you. That’s the nastiest thing you could ever do to an animal...so, in order to get you back, cruise missiles will come from its ass to blow you away. It’s still missing something, though. I think it needs more guns and a sound system for new ears...

The new gun is up front.  Look at the chest.  Duh.  Blind.

Just for shits and grins, we’ll give it a little more firepower...a .45-caliber pistol emerging from its chest should make you think about mugging Robot Dog or its owner...ME. Two guns popping out of doors on Robot Dog should be enough to have your ass running for cover. And then I'd blast nothing but GOOD MUSIC out of it...and when those 16 year olds come by blasting Chingy from their cars talking about the "Holidae" Inn, I'd get Robot Dog to maul 'em.

But I started thinking...what if it’s raining? I can’t just put a waterproof cover on Robot Dog...and if it gets wet, I’d have to send it in for repairs. It needs to be a suitable bad ass at ALL times...so I gave Robot Dog a new tail.

For those of you who don't know about ninja swords, they rock.  Like, rock.

You damn straight. Robot Dog’s tail is merely a sheath for a NINJA SWORD FOR ME. The sword would detach and then I would go around cutting off heads without a second thought. Robot Dog and I could fight off terrorists, Democrats AND Rosie O’Donnell with the NINJA SWORD addition. 

And that’s the perfect dog. It’d of course have great programming, but I’m not going to show you the schematics for it...they’re classified. Feel free to send in your bids to make Robot Dog.