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Snack Cakes R TEH KEWL!
By Ninja R, 3-14-04

In case it needs to be said, I love snack cakes. Snack cakes themselves evoke memories of elementary school, where I'd bring the lunch I'd wake up at zero dark thirty every morning to make. In case it's been a while since you've had to bring your own lunch somewhere, sack lunches were those things that vaguely provided lunch, usually smelled like peanut butter, and were usually mangled to the point of needed dental identification.

But out of all lunches, one thing always stuck out from the rest: the snack cake. Snack cakes were the main focus of conversation at the lunchroom tables for about five minutes, especially around holidays like Valentine's Day and Halloween when snack cake makers would make holiday themes for their tasty confectionaries.

I don't eat them too much these days, mostly because I don't eat much dessert or snacks. Anyway, for this article, I went out and bought five different kinds of these delicious and tasty treats. Assisting me with the introduction of these is superdog Sniper v2.

Before I continue, I have to explain something...I asked someone to assist me with this snack cake review, but she asked me to mask her AOL screen name. So...we'll call her MyNameIsNotRhiannonEnchnted.

Before I start off, the below picture is my computer work area. It's pretty cool, but I'm showing it so you guys have an idea of where I do this stuff and what the actual backdrop looks like.

It's all created here. RAWK

Now, for the first snack cake, I picked Little Debbie Chocolate Chip Snack Cakes.

These weren't too bad.

Looks like: a squared off cake, white icing crap on top, little chocolate chips on top, chocolate cake underneath, white filling in the middle, just like your mom has in her. You get 10 cakes in a box for $1.29.

Tastes like: a cake should. It's a snack cake. It's chocolatey and should be eaten with a glass of milk or a huge cup of coffee.

Fun way to eat: OK, these are fun to play with. First off, I like to take all the chips off the top and eat 'em all at once. Then, you pull off the sides, top and middle and roll it up in a big, white, nasty ball and eat it that way. Finally, you're left with the cake and icing. You can eat them together OR pull the cakes apart and eat 'em individually FOR MUCH MORE FUN!!!~~11

In one word or less, MyScreenNameIsNotRhiannonEnchnted says:

OK!!!

When asked to rate these, Sniper v2 said, "ARF."

Next up are Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls.

Holy crap, these damn things were GOOD. And by good, I mean tasty and delicious.

Looks like: little chocolate rolls covered in chocolate and white filling in the middle. You get 12 cakes in a box for $1.09.

Tastes like: HEAVEN!!! These are my favorite snack cakes 3VAR!!!~~1 They're just good.

Fun way to eat: OK, peel off the chocolate outer layer around the roll and on either side. For extra credit, you can carefully unroll the cake into a little square and eat it like that. They're just GOOD.

In one word or less, MyScreenNameIsNotRhiannonEnchnted says:

GOOD!!!

Sniper v2 says, "RUFF!" I think that means, "They look like dog turds, but taste great."

Two down, three to go. Next up are Little Debbie Nutty Bars.

Coincidentally, these came in the smallest box. They also suck.

Looks like: cross-hatched, light, crispy wafers with layers of peanut butter tasting stuff in the middle. I think there's something like five wafers. The whole thing is covered in chocolate. You get 12 bars in a box for $1.29.

Tastes like: crap. I really don't like these very much. They're just kinda gross.

Fun way to eat: Well, you can pull apart the wafers and build stuff out of 'em...then you can act like TROGDOR the BURNINATOR and smash the hell out of 'em. I wouldn't eat too much.

In one word or less, MyScreenNameIsNotRhiannonEnchnted says:

AWESOME!!!

Sniper v2 says, "BOW WOW!" This means, "They're kinda sick, but it's better than the nasty dog food you're feeding me."

Next up, we have Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

Out of all the snack cakes sampled, these are the ones that brought back more memories.

Looks like: little 3-D hexagonal shapes with white icing and chocolate stripes on them...hence, ZEBRA STRIPES!!!! Yellow cake on the inside...I guess it's vanilla. White filling in the middle, as always. You get 10 cakes in a box for $1.09.

Tastes like: Cake, I guess. These aren't bad...they're just kinda the norm as far as snack cakes go.

Fun way to eat: As with all the rest, you pull off all the icing crap off the top and around the sides...then roll it up into one big nasty ball and EAT IT. The cake stuff? Just eat 'em or pull 'em apart. Either way.

In one word or less, MyScreenNameIsNotRhiannonEnchnted says:

MEDIOCRE!!!

Sniper v2 says, "RUFF!"

And last but not least, we have Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.

These are the classic Little Debbies cake, I think. I don't like them too much.

Looks like: a little cow pie. In case none of you hang out with cows a lot, a cow pie is a pile of cow poo. They're a little lighter colored than that, I guess...and they're a little bigger than a hockey puck. Basically, it's two round oatmeal things with white filling holding them together. You get 12 pies in a box for $1.19.

Tastes like: they're OK, I guess. They're better than Nutty Bars, definitely.

Fun way to eat: They're kinda boring, actually. You can pull them apart and use 'em like little wheels to roll across a flat surface, but the filling usually picks up dirt and hair and crap when they fall over.

In one word or less, MyScreenNameIsNotRhiannonEnchnted says:

AWESOME!!!

Sniper v2 says, "After I'm done with this, please take me outside before I splatter poo all over your carpet. I'm going to have the runs for three days, you ungrateful human." Or she just said, "ARF!" It's one of the two.

And there you have it. Five FINE snack cakes. Go out and buy a box today. Hell, buy two or three.

And please, whatever you do, if you happen to use cryptic secret devices used by US intelligence agencies to figure out who myscreennameisnotRHIANNONENCHNTED is, please....don't message her on AIM.

-- Ninja R

No animals were harmed in the photography displayed above. I'll just have to deal with a hyper beagle...and those of you who have beagles or know about them, you know about the hell I'll be going through.  (And quit sending me emails about how terrible I am for feeding my dog chocolate.  Sniper v.2 is a little over two years old now and is doing just fine.  thx 4 axing)