Adventures of Bluemont Hill.
By T2, 3-13-04.

Living in the "Little Apple" that is Manhattan, Kansas: one would think that it's bland and boring. Well, that's only partly true. We do have a hill!

This hill stands out as one of the things everyone notices upon entering the fair city. Maybe it's because huge letters put on the side of it tell you where you are, maybe it's because it's not flat. Who knows? The only thing that I knew was that I had to explore this monument. My roommate agreed to visit said landmass, and so an adventure was starting!

The first step in any of my adventures includes a stop by Yahoo! to check out a map of the area, and finding any and all ways of getting there. This was just the beginning of the mystery and intrigue that I'd find out about in the next few hours. After entering in my ZIP code and scrolling around on the map, I found the hill…although it just intrigued me further…

Now I've GOTTA go!

Apparently this is some sort of pirate land, so I was definitely up for going! From the minute we stepped foot into the Jolly Roger area, the wackiness grew exponentially. The first thing I noticed was that there was no beeping escaping from Nick's cell phone, which meant his signal was strong…oddly strong.

This meant SOMETHING had to be going on here if signals were being beamed into the area! Not wanting to call attention to ourselves, we still didn't use the phone, for fear of spies. As we continued to hike around a little bit…we often scanned the horizon for the dangers we might encounter. My spider sense wasn't tingling, so all was in the clear.

After reaching the top of "Bluemont Hill," we came across a concrete plateau, with an opening that had been sealed off rather sloppily with a metal grating. I figured if I could get inside…maybe it would bring a few answers to those eternal questions we all know and love. Then again, it could all be filled with Aztec gold…so I had to give it a shot.

I gave it my all, but apparently my all just wasn't enough. I searched around the opening for clues to what it was, but all I found was ancient alien/pirate writings of sorts.

If anyone can decipher the meaning, I'd be much obliged!

After the fruitless effort of the metal opening, we decided to have a light snack, regroup our thoughts, and head off again. Surely this area must have SOME significance; we didn't arrive here in vain. I thought long and hard about my past mystery/alien/spy/pirate/ninja/robot knowledge and set off in a fervor to find clues, ANY clues at all as to what on earth was going on at this hill. We searched… and aside from the huge water tower here, there were beer bottles, both broken and half filled strewn about. Many seconds later we stumbled upon the "Manhattan Letters" and an individual sitting on them. We were going to ask if he knew what was up, until we realized who it was!

The Cigarette Smoking Man!

He was drinking coffee and writing songs, but I'm almost positive he had an ulterior motive. His Eastern European accent wouldn't fool me for a second! This brought about many new questions. If C.G.B. Spender was there, I knew that an extraterrestrial entity or two was afoot! I snuck around to the other side to get a picture of the "Manhattan Letters."

That is an A

None of this made any sense to me, until I looked across the horizon: Almost directly across were the initials "KS." What could this mean? I fumbled around with variations. Manhattan KS…no…KSMANHATTAN…no…maybe it's a super acronym! After much debate, this is all that Nick and I could come up with…

Killing Space Men And Not Hating All Teenage Telemarketers Always Nourishes.

Apparently this enticed something in the sky to come and visit…because we looked out, and OMG escaped my lips!

Dramatization : May not have happened.

We hightailed it out of there, because I'm afraid of ALF. We ran, until we spotted another beacon of hope! I spotted another concrete object, this time minute in size compared to me. Could this be the answer to our quest? What secrets does it hold? Does it pose a threat to me? I ignored all of that, becuase the childish desire to poke things came overme. I reached for it...But OH NO!

Thank god Nick threw a green mushroom at me that I'd kept, for JUST SUCH AN OCCASION!

Whew!

After me dying…we decided to call it quits and go get Taco Bell. It didn't matter that I had died, or that we didn't find out any real information, or that I have a nasty poison gas smell that won't come out. The important lessons are this:

--Chicken Quesadillas go well with Baja Sauce.
--Don't go to a part of the map with skulls and crossbones on it.
--The Cigarette Smoking Man is Russian.
--I was damn cute as a kid.
--Beer before Liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before Beer, you're in the clear.

-- T2

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