Movie Reviews Before I See Them!
by T2, 04-01-04

Every weekend, millions upon billions of people participate in the staple of American culture we call "Movies." I prefer to call them talkies, but apparently that slang term faded out sometime in the late 30s.

The problem with movies is simple, they cost anywhere from $6 to ¥2,149,387 to see each one. With so many out there, how is anyone going to narrow these movies down to something that is worth dropping that much ¥en on a chance to sit in?

The solution is here!

I will review some current movies, even before I have seen them! Keep in mind that you could think that something I hate is a great movie, but if that's true then you are probably someone who wanted From Justin to Kelly to win an Oscar.

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
This is one of the movies that is so great, they can't even show you what the hell it is about. Following in the footsteps of Snatch, Magnolia, and various other "intellectual" type films, Eternal promises to be a great movie since getting rave reviews from random folk and movie critic alike. The formula for these movies is relatively simple. Get a concept (lovers forgetting each other, a diamond, or Tom Cruise for example) and build a movie around that idea, using deep societal critiquing as motifs through out the flick.

These movies generally have at least one big name in them, if only to gain an audience. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to seeing this movie. Aside from Kirsten Dunst being a major player in it, the plot looks to be fairly good. The story is as follows : Jim Carrey finds out his ex(Kate Winslet) had her relationship erased from her memory, so he goes to do the same thing, and then they find their earlier passion.

Rating 8/10
GO SEE IT!

Scooby Doo 2 : Monsters Unleashed
Now here's a novel idea: Take a loveable cartoon character, make him a CGI, and watch ticket sales roll in! Case in point : Garfield, Casper, and of course the Looney Toons. If that wasn't enough, make a sequel! Starring the über cool team of Matthew Lillard and Freddy Prinze Jr, this Scooby movie should have been unmade. Aside from my hatred of any movies that have these two starring together (at least 5) the thought of a movie based around Scooby putting on clothes and acting like a human is just dumb. The only good thing about this movie is that I'm not going to go see it.

Review: 0/10
FORGET IT EXISTS!

Hellboy
Another movie made simply due to the X-Men/Spider-Man popularity. Hollywood (and probably Bollywood)got off of their respective asses and realized that CGI was possible, so comic book movies could be made. Once they saw that these movies pulled in hundreds of millions, they of course whored themselves out and made any and every comic movie they could.

Hellboy I'm not that familiar with, so if and when I do go see it I will be the traditional moviegoer who needs an introduction into WTF is happening(this is usually the section of the movie that most fanboys hate). This being said, it does look somewhat cheesy. The Nazis stole a demon from hell, America stole the demon from the nazis and made him good. Now hell(or the nazis...who knows) is attacking, and HELL WILL FIGHT HELL..or something. All I know is that the girl with blue fire from her hands is pretty hot (ha). I will see this movie, don't you worry. Any comic version of anything that goes to film has to be seen, so I rate it:

Rating 8/10
GO SEE IT!

Punisher
Now a comic character I am familiar with! Punisher is a bad ass, so hopefully this movie will be. This wasn't the case for the 1990 version of the movie which has many negatively lit reviews of it. I've seen the trailers for the new one starring Travolta, and It's turning out to be something I definitely want to see. There are a few inconsistencies between comic and film, but who cares...the story is what's important! Included in the film are such hardcore moments as walking away from an explosion with the detonator raised up and in a tough guy pose(not looking to see if the guy got away, who cares) and humorously finding out you're fighting a really tough Russian bad guy.

Review: 9/10
WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS : GO SEE IT!

Johnson Family Reunion
Cedric the Entertainer brings you hilarity in the form of a road trip. The commercials I've seen thusfar show mediocre comedy, hardly worth watching. We get to see Cedric drive around in a pimped out something or other, which probably accounts for half of the jokes when the hydraulics aren't working. Li'l Bow Wow has grown up too, we don't call him "Li'l" anymore. Aside from the stupid comedy and the fact that it stars a "grown" Arf Woof, I'm positive the movie doesn't have much of a plot, seeing as it consists primarily of a road trip to a Missouri. Cedric does get arrested though, I'm sure it will provide SOME sustenance..

Review: 1/10
WHY BOTHER!

The Ladykillers
Tom Hanks plays as a Southern professor that intends to rob a riverboat casino. Using an old lady's basement as the base of operations, they set out as planned, but she finds out…so they have to be 'ladykillers' and end her. That's what I gathered from the commercials that portray Hanks as a bumbling moron. I like Tom's movies, and this one should be good. (it has J.K. Simmons in it, it HAS TO BE GOOD) I'm just angered at the traditional advertisements, I.E. "best performance since Forrest Gump." As to say that movie was the cornerstone of his career, that he can't act aside from playing a punk bitch, or a retard. See this movie, just eventually.

Review: 5/10
CATCH IT ON CABLE!

Walking Tall
Besides comic book movies, the thing in Hollywood has been "based upon a true story." By doing this, they can pretend this movie was real…and that the Rock faces more dangers than just who he'll have to deliver an elbow to on whatever wrestling show is on now.

This story centers around The Rock, coming back from military action to find his town in drug/hooker shambles. What else to do but take up arms (in this case…a traditional wrestling foreign object: the 2 x 4) and reclaim your town to turn it back into the quiet suburbanite Mecca it once was?

Aside from the obligatory "Rock Bottom" and "People's Elbow," I'm sure that his eyebrow will be raised once or twice. As far as the actual movie goes, it looks to be just that: a movie. We've seen this epic struggle time and time again, where one buff guy raises up to defeat his high school rival and make out with the token hottie in the movie. Don't bother. Buy yourself a 2 x 4 and an old toaster and beat the crap out of it. That'll probably give you more satisfaction than this movie.

Review: 2/10
GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST THIS MOVIE!

Now, I can't leave you with just current theatre movies, let's say you're at the video store and are undecided? Your answer:

Honey
Starring Jessica Alba (one MAD FLY hottie) this movie centers around Honey Daniels, a hardworking dancer/choreographer fighting for one big break. Li'l Romeo and Mekhi Phifer are supporting characters, but who really cares? This movie is 1 hour 29 minutes long, which means at least 1/3 of that time is Alba dancing to R&B music. Viewing suggestion : Mute the TV and play Ænema by Tool as the background music. It might not be entirely in sync, but who knows, you might stumble upon a "Dark Side of the Moon" type conspiracy!

Review: 7/10
HURRY UP AND GO RENT IT!

I hope this review helped you decide WTF to do with your movie experience!

--T2

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