Words to Ban.
By The 'Hoo, 5-29-00

One of the things near and dear to the staff at Hoodratz is the English language. Stringing together a series of words that get your point across in the most concise and succinct way possible brings a feeling of satisfaction like no other. However, over the years, The ‘Hoo has developed his own way of speaking. Fusing complex words that a select few can comprehend with more simplistic terms and sayings that I feel are underused, I have a lexicon of my very own that family and friends alike have termed “Hoo-speak”.

Now, The ‘Hoo is not the only one that has his own way of speaking. Everyone has been developing speech patterns of their very own since they uttered their first word. Unfortunately, most of you have allowed the sayings and slang terms of others infect the way you talk on a day to day basis. Sadly, there is a growing number of you that say at least five lame things per day. That may not seem like much, right? Well my friends that is THIRTY-FIVE lame things a week! ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY a month! And ONE THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY a year! And that is far above the yearly average of The ‘Hoo who may unwittingly say forty-eight lame things in a calendar year. You may ask yourself “Am I one of those poor people? And if I am, what can I do?” Fear not loyal readers, we here at Hoodratz.net are here to help. While we cannot tell you what you SHOULD say in any given situation, we can certainly tell you what NOT to say. With this in mind, I have compiled the following list. Our first installment will a perfunctory glance at the main terms and words that grate on The ‘Hoo the most. If you find yourself saying ANY of the following things? Simply cease and you will be well on your way to cutting down your lame quotient. How much will I charge for such a service to the community? $49.99? $29.99? $19.99? A bag of jelly beans and a frozen pizza? No. The caring folks here at Hoodratz will give you this information for FREE. Although any offer of jelly beans, frozen pizza, or both will surely not be frowned on.

Words:

Hella adj. – Jumping right in, we will start with one of the lamest things one can possibly say. The origins of this word trace back to the shortening of the word “hellafied”, which in itself is a pretty lame word. The first recorded use of the word hellafied was on Dr.Dre’s classic album “The Chronic” in which he said “hellafied gangsta lean”. Of course, Dre, M.D. can’t be blamed for the phenomenon that was to come. Several years later the word hellafied evolved into the more commonly used and far more simplistic hella. Before you knew it, hella was used to describe everything. If you liked something it was “hella cool”. If something was large it was “hella big”. If The ‘Hoo kicked your dog it was a “hella mean” thing to do. See how this word can sometimes not make sense? See also how utterly lame it is to say it? Especially with any frequency? So that you better understand, if you use this term you are “hella lame”, “hella retarded” and “hella ignorant”.

Nakie/Nakey adj. - I am not sure where this one started but I am pretty sure it wasn’t from anyone or anything of note. Commonly people will shorten a word by knocking off a few letters and adding an “ie” or an “ey”. However, this is usually done for ease(or laziness) when a word is long or hard to say. But as you can see, “nakey” and naked have the SAME number of syllables. So, why shorten it? Because people think it is “cute”, that’s why. I certainly hope that no one finds the term arousing or sexy. If Helen Hunt were in my bedroom and asked me if I wanted her to get “nakie” I would tell her to shut the fuck up keep her clothes on. Well, maybe not. But I would definitely let Mrs. Hunt know how lame I thought it was to say that before she disrobed in front of me.

Pink Taco n. – It is nearly impossible these days to have a decent conversation about Mexican cuisine without someone expressing just how much they enjoy “pink tacos”. Quick. Go into a random AOL or Yahoo! Chatroom and start talking about tacos and see what sort of comments you get. I will confidently wager that you will get at least one “pink taco” comment in the first ten minutes. If you haven’t figured it out or just don’t talk to enough morons these days (lucky bastards), “pink taco” refers to the part of the female anatomy known as the vagina. Hm. I guess I can see how it would be taco-like. Anyway, the problem with this crude and lame comment is that every white trash idiot, wigger / wannabe, moron, and gutter whore in the world says it now. Oh, they not only say it … they expound on it. “ I’ll take my pink tacos without cheese please.” “I like soft pink tacos instead of the crunchy variety.” “ I hate it when pink taco’s are cold.” Laughing out loud and asses being laughed off ensue. I am not talking about a mere chuckle or guffaw here, people think saying that is sheer hilarity. As if no one has ever uttered something so creative before even. So, if you are saying this term and don’t realize just how lame it is? It is OK. Just simply stop saying it and fight the urge to break out into insane laughter when someone eles does.

Biotch/Beeotch/Biiiiiiotch! n. – The exact birthplace of this word is hazy but I am pretty sure it came from early-90’s rap music and I openly admit that I found the term somewhat funny when it was new and said it several times. Nowadays, people from all walks of life say it. I heard the sacker at the local grocery store say it. My aunt said it to her husband. My thirteen year old sister said it to one of her best friends. One of my supervisors said it at work to another employee and it was A-OK to do so. Yes, calling someone a biiiiotch has not only become perfectly acceptable but it is still considered funny to most. In all of those above occurrences, someone giggled when it was said. Well, all but one person anyway. Three guesses as to who that person was?

Mmmmmk? Adj., adv., interj., n. – We owe this gem to the TV show “South Park” on Comedy Central. Mr. Mackey the school guidance councilor says this at the end of every sentence. Therefore, the rest of the country has decided to add it to the end of every sentence as well. We are a society of lemmings who will say anything to fit in and be cutting edge no matter how lame it may be. It’s OK as long as every one else is saying it, right? Of course. The thing is, this term isn’t that bad in comparison to the others. It is just the amount of times people say it. An example: “ I am going to the store, mmmk? We are out of anchovies and rice cakes so I am going to pick up some more, mmmmk? Rice cakes are good for you, mmmk? I’ll be back in thirty minutes, mmmk?” Ok. Maybe that was going overboard a little and—wait … no, that’s about normal.

Four-Twenty n. –No number is venerated more than the awe-inspiring 420. The battle cry of Generation Y or X or whatever the fuck they are calling people 12-30 these days is “It’s 420! Who wants to smoke it up?!?” Ah, weed. Few things can bring people closer together, yeah? Pot smokers can shoot the shit for hours upon just meeting due to the common ground of getting the munchies, chronic cough, and doing nothing with their lives. “ You have no future? Wow. Me either! Wanna smoke a bowl?” Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not this paragon of virtue that feels as if people should be put away for life for having a joint on them. When people smoke weed around me I don’t grimace or give them some big speech. It is the people that seem to place their love of weed above all else. As long as they can smoke it up, they are great. People work shitty jobs with no growth potential just so they have enough money coming in to get their fix from week to week and that is pathetic. Those people have deemed 420 as their designated time to smoke. In fact, April 20th is considered a “weed smoker holiday” to these miscreants. If you do smoke weed from time to time or even daily and don’t want to be more retarded than you may already be? Stop shouting out “420!” whenever the clock says so.

More words in less detail:

Muh – A way of saying my. For instance: “Muh baby’s daddy”. I rest my case.

Imma – This means “I’m going to”. Well, sort of anyway. “Imma get me a drink.” “Imma go to the store.” I swear that people get a kick out of talking like complete idiots.

Thuuurr/Huuuurr – NinjaR already touched on this one once. It is a gangsta way of saying here and there. A rapper with a very homosexual name came up with it in a rap song and it caught on. Are you saying this? Seriously? Stop then.

Hubby – Just like the aforementioned “nakey’, this is one of those times where people added a “y” to a word to make it cuter. Few things aggravate me more than when some woman is going on and on about her “hubby”. This is not a sexist thing either. It is just that I don’t hear any guys say “wifey”. And if they did? I would make MORE fun of them.

Buh-Bye – Made famous by a David Spade skit on Saturday Night Live and it just … won’t … die.

Sausage Fest – A term used by young men today when the place they are visiting doesn’t have enough ass for them to chase. A bar, club, chatroom, baseball game, nursing home, etc etc.

Uber – This is a geeked out version of “hella”. “Uber cool.” “Uber tall.” “Uber lame.”

Preggers/prego – Another way of saying pregnant. And an uber lame one at that. Isn’t Prego a spaghetti sauce?

Juggalo – A term made famous by the rap duo The Insane Clown Posse. It means the sort of person that just doesn’t give a fuck and is unpredictable. Beware of the juggalo because you just never know what that crazy character might do! Whatever. It is just a reason to act like an idiot and fuck shit up. I mean. More excuses and reasons are required for that, right?

Umpteenth – This one is more from my childhood. My mom used to say it a lot and when someone says it these days I still cringe. I am not sure how many an umpt is exactly. But I am sure it is around fourteen times because my mom told me to stop poking dead birds with sticks exactly thirteen times before declaring that it was the UMPTEENTH time she had told me not to do that.

Conversate – I am putting this on the list because it is not a word at all. It is CONVERSE, folks. A pet peeve of mine is when people try to sound smart and say a word that isn’t even real like conversate or pronounciate. When in doubt … don’t say the word.

Cowboy Up – No clue what that means exactly and I don’t really care to learn. I just know I would think it is lame no matter what the deep and surely philosophical point behind this term is.

Skin Flute – A lot of guys say that a woman can play their “skin flute” and by God is it ever funny when they do. I am still laughing as I type this from the guy in the McDonalds drive thru that said it three days ago. It must make the girls swoon since so many males say it, right? I mean … why else would people still say it?

Blow to your heart's content.

And there you have it, my guide of things not to say. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you have been saying many of the things on this list. Sometimes it takes someone pointing it out when you are doing or saying something lame to get you to stop. Or an electric cattle prod to the throat. Or barbed wire raked across forehead. I can really go on forever here. Anyway. Did I forget an annoying term you would like to add or bitch about? Do you enjoy some of these terms and would like to defend their honor? Do you have strange dreams where you are standing on top of a pyramid in a fur cape and people are throwing golden slugs at you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, E-mail me and let me know. Or jump over to the forums and confess to your atrocities! Um. I meant the defending yourself for saying lame shit and not the slug dream. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having such a dream. No matter how often it may occur.

-- The ‘Hoo

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