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The Worst of 2003!
by Ninja R, 1-9-2004

Well, here it is again...the beginning of a new year. And yeah, I know January 1st was a couple of days ago...a few days ago...several days ago...whatever...but that still doesn’t mean it’s not the beginning of the year.

Now...T2 outlined the best parts of 2003. You might disagree, but that means you are wrong...because we are unfair, unbalanced and we don’t give a damn about you. OK, maybe some of you. Anyway, T2 laid out the highlights of last year...now it’s my turn to bring forth:

The Worst of 2003.

I don’t care if you think the stuff I'm gonna list were good things to happen last year. Wanna know why? Because you’re wrong. Ha.

2003 was filled with so many fucked up things, I didn’t even know where to begin when I sat down to write this. For myself, it was an event-filled year, filled with poo, crap and other nefarious plots on my life. Think of it as being at Lilith Fair every day of the year. Sure, seeing Sarah McLachlan all the time would be really cool, but then you’d have all the man-hating dykes kicking your ass every day. I don’t know if any of you have ever had a Birkenstock shoe enema, but having it there – and having it removed – really sucks. And by sucks, I mean bites.

And if you are a guy who thinks this scenario is cool, you aren’t a guy. OOO PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Anyway, let’s start off with the number five thing I hated about 2003:

5. Run DMC didn’t make a comeback.

What a load of shit. Run DMC is the greatest rap band EVER and don’t you fuckin’ forget it. Who else could have told you that YOU BE ILLIN’? Who else could have convinced you it’s tricky to rock a rhyme? Sellout Snoopy Dogg Dog? Fuckin’ CHINGY? HELL no. Only the hell raisers themselves (even though one member of Run DMC is a minister now) could have told you of these things. And when they say my Adidas, they don’t mean it in some bitchy way like those KoRn fuckheads. THEY MEAN IT.

It's tricky to rock a rhyme, y'all. Doesn't that guy on the right look like Evander Holyfield?

4. Low-rise pants flourished under American capitalism.

You know, I’m all for capitalism and buying whatever the hell you can stick up your ass and carry home. These fucking things make me wish there was a law that specifically stated low-rise pants were illegal. Why?

Because most of you look like the women pictured above.

But no matter how many people shrink back in sheer revulsion at the sights of bitches like these in low-rise whatevers, they STILL WEAR them. I don’t know why. Maybe they think they’re DOPE FRESH or FUNKY FLY or FUCKING STUPID. Maybe they want to be like Britney Spears. Fuck if I know.

Here’s a tip, chicks: If you don’t have a body like Miss Spears, DON’T WEAR THE DAMN THINGS. You look stupid. No one wants to see your ass crack. I see these bitches wearing these things and I keep expecting a little kid’s head to poke out from between those cheeks.

3. Took too long to press charges against Michael Jackson

OK...now Mr. Jackson FINALLY being made to fess up for what he did is a good thing. The fact that it’s just now being seriously considered again SUCKS. The man is a freak...and I don’t mean freak like Marilyn Manson freak. At least that guy’s smart. Mr. Jackson is a fuckin’ lunatic who sleeps with children and finds it totally appropriate. Mr. Jackson is also about to do time in the slammer where I hope some big guy named Alphonse rips off that fake nose of his and fucks him in both nostrils.

Yes, it’s apparent I hate the man. Thank you. *bows*

2. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

If EVER there were a fucking useless, piece-of-shit TV show out these days, it’s Queer Eye. And oh man, lots of people dug this show. They laughed and laughed at gay men primping and dusting off some guy who apparently has no fashion sense, but who agreed to make an ass of himself on national television.

Here’s what I really don’t like about the show. Gays (being a minority EVERYWHERE except San Francisco and Howard Dean’s house) constantly talk about their negative portrayal in the media. They bitch about how they’re just like everyone else and they’re completely normal...so they dispel the gay stereotype HOW? BY FUCKING BEING STEREOTYPICAL FUCKING GAY MEN. This makes no sense.

Hi. We're five guys who try to break gay myths by being stereotypical gay men. Have we mentioned we're stopping by The 'Hoo's house later this week?

The second thing I don’t like about the show: It proves the underhanded method of promoting lesbianism. How, you ask? OK, here’s the deal...they get some gay guys who dress like women (not in dresses...effeminate, stupid). These guys dress like women...but they like guys...so, they dress some "non-fashion conscious" guy up just like one of them...a woman. Chicks have been force fed guys who look like chicks, so of course they’re gonna like ‘em...and as soon as chicks start digging guys who look like chicks, they only have to take one more step before they start having sex with chicks. That last step is getting drunk...but we’ll talk about that elsewhere.

The gay guys need to face the fact some of us like being men...straight men. Leave us the fuck alone and don’t expect us to be amused at you.

And the number ONE THING that SUCKED about 2003 IS:

1. Antiwar protestors.

Holy shit, I hate these people. Hate. Despise. Seething rage and hatred. The more extreme of these (such as the anti-Semitic Michael Moore) should be jailed for treason. They are traitors to this country. Read the fucking Constitution, bitches. Yes, we have free speech rights...so long as those rights do not undermine national security. Axis Sally did 10 years and Tokyo Rose did five after WW II...and they were far more sane and reasonable than the Dixie Bitches. Sean Penn, fuck you. These people protest the war efforts against terrorism...here’s one simple fact, people: if these people had their way and we did not take up arms, Saddam Hussein would still be in power. His rape rooms would still exist, floors stained with blood of the raped. His method of executing naysayers – putting people in an industrial shredder (some FEET FIRST) – would still exist. Mass graves of over 200,000 people would not be found. Michael Moore, the Dixie Whores, Penn – there’s no excuse for their seditious acts. If I were in charge of the world, they’d be doing some fucking hard time in Alaska breaking big rocks into little rocks with a heavy ass sledgehammer for the rest of their lives. Maybe that’s not as harsh as being stabbed in the face repeatedly with a soldering iron, but I’m actually being serious about how I would avenge my country.

Some of these simple fucks actually went to Iraq to serve as human shields, committing a federal offense. If you didn’t know, it was illegal to travel to Iraq without the express consent of the US government...it’s called sanctions, dickheads. Anyway, when these guys didn’t get their asses blown away (DAMMIT), they were fined $10,000 each. And they had the unmitigated nerve to bitch about it. SUCK IT UP.

Eh...they all deserve each other. Fuck 'em.

And there you have it...the five worst things that sucked about 2K3.

-- Ninja R

I can't wait to read the hate mail from this article.

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